The Shame and Blame Cycle In Adults With ADHD

Let’s talk about the shame and blame cycle. If you have ADHD like me, you’ve likely slipped into it at some point. 

It might look something like this: 

You don’t respond to your friend’s text message for a while and shame yourself thinking:

• Ugh, I’m such a bad friend!

Once that shame gets too uncomfortable, the emotion shifts outward, turning into blame:

• Honestly, she shouldn’t send such long texts anyway; who has time for that?!

Shame → Blame.

Then the pendulum might swing back as you think to yourself: 

• She spent all this time sharing what’s happening in her life… why can’t I get my act together and respond?

Blame → Shame.

Let’s be honest. This emotional pendulum is exhausting. And as adults with ADHD, our emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity make it a recurring obstacle. Fortunately, there’s something we can do to step out of this cycle. 

And that’s exactly what we explore in episode 248 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast. 

In Episode #248: The Shame Blame Cycle In Adults With ADHD, You Will Discover

• The different ways the shame-blame cycle presents itself.
• Why it’s especially important for us ADHD brains to recognize it.
• Practical steps to move out of the cycle and take intentional action.

You can listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.

Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for a summary of the key takeaways.

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Episode #248: The Shame Blame Cycle In Adults With ADHD (Summary)

Today, we’re exploring a concept that impacts (quite frankly) almost every human on the planet at some time or another. But as adults with ADHD, the impact is even more pronounced. What is this concept, you ask?

It’s called the shame-blame cycle.

Throughout this post, we’re exploring what this cycle entails, why it’s significant for those of us with ADHD, common triggers that bring it out, and, most importantly, strategies to step out of the cycle and get into action.

Understanding the Shame-Blame Cycle in Adults with ADHD

Have you ever found yourself caught in a spiral of self-criticism and blame after making a mistake or experiencing a setback? This is the essence of the shame-blame cycle. It typically begins with feelings of shame, that intense belief that we are flawed and unworthy. For those of us with ADHD, our brains often amplify emotions, and shame often feels especially heavy.

On the flip side, when the weight of shame becomes unbearable, we tend to shift the blame outward, attributing our struggles or mistakes to external factors or other people. This constant pendulum swinging between internal shame and external blame keeps us trapped in a perpetual cycle, often stopping our growth and straining relationships.

The ADHD Connection: Shame Blame Cycle

Why does the shame-blame cycle hold a tighter grip on those of us with ADHD? It’s linked to several characteristics commonly associated with ADHD:

Emotional Dysregulation: 

ADHD often comes with challenges in managing emotions, leading to intense emotional reactions. This emotional rollercoaster can amplify feelings of shame and make the cycle more pronounced.

Rejection Sensitivity: 

Many of us with ADHD also experience heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism. This sensitivity can fuel feelings of shame and prompt a defensive response of blame to protect oneself from further pain. (Learn more about Rejection Sensitivity here.) 

Cognitive Inflexibility: 

ADHD brains may struggle with cognitive flexibility, often leading to rigid thinking patterns such as perfectionism and black-and-white thinking. These rigid beliefs can exacerbate feelings of shame and make it easier to shift blame onto external factors.

Common Triggers: The Shame Blame Cycle For Adults with ADHD

The shame-blame cycle can manifest in various aspects of life, including work, relationships, goal-setting, and social interactions. While this list is certainly not extensive, let’s explore a few common triggers to give your brain an idea of what it might look like. (For more extensive exploration, tune into episode 248 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast above!)

Workplace Challenges: 

Juggling multiple tasks at work can often lead to mistakes or missed deadlines. The shame-blame cycle may kick in when we berate ourselves for errors before shifting blame onto external factors like workload or unclear instructions.

Relationship Dynamics:

Forgetting important events or failing to meet expectations in relationships can trigger the shame-blame cycle. We may initially feel shame for our shortcomings before deflecting blame onto others to protect ourselves from further emotional pain.

Internal Expectations: 

Setting personal goals or making plans can also evoke feelings of shame and blame when we fall short of our expectations. Perfectionism and black-and-white thinking can intensify these feelings, making it challenging to break free from the cycle.

Social Interactions: 

Those of us with ADHD may also experience shame in social settings- especially if our impulsivity and lack of filter get the best of us. Not surprisingly, this can lead to waves of shame and blame as well. (“I’m so awkward! I can’t believe I said that.” And “They are so judgmental; why are they so cold?” This can further complicate social interactions and perpetuate the shame-blame cycle.

Practical Steps to Break Free from the Shame-Blame Cycle

Breaking free from the shame-blame cycle requires self-awareness and practice. Here are three steps to help navigate this cycle effectively:

Step 1: Increase Awareness

Identify the situations where the shame-blame cycle occurs most frequently in your life. Notice whether you tend to shift into shame first, followed by blame, or vice versa. Understanding your patterns is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle.

Step 2: Find the Center 

Strip away the judgments and examine the factual truth of the situation. Focus on what actually happened without the influence of shame or blame. This helps to ground yourself in reality and fosters acceptance of the situation.

Step 3: Practice Acceptance 

Recognize that breaking free from the shame-blame cycle takes time and practice. Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge where you are in the process without forcing yourself into toxic positivity. If accepting what is feels too far away, practice acceptance of that. For example, “I notice I’m stuck in the shame blame cycle, and I’m blaming them because I think they made me fall behind schedule.” 

As always, these tools are here FOR you. If they don’t feel supportive, now might not be the right time to use them. Additionally, if you want to dive in further, I encourage you to seek support from a coach or therapist (depending on the subject matter) to navigate this journey in a powerful way.

Recap

The shame-blame cycle is common for many people, especially those of us with ADHD. By increasing awareness, finding the center of the pendulum between shame and blame, and practicing acceptance, we can break free from this cycle and cultivate healthier patterns of thinking and behavior. Remember, it’s a journey, and progress takes time. Be patient with yourself, and don’t hesitate to seek support when needed.

Want to take this work further? Awesome! Here are some next steps:

1. Tune into the full episode above.
2. Learn more about We’re Busy Being Awesome, my small group coaching program for ADHD brains.
3. Learn more about 1:1 coaching with me here

Links From The Podcast

• Learn more about We’re Busy Being Awesome here
• Learn about 1:1 coaching here
• Get the top 10 tips to work with your ADHD brain (free ebook!)
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources here
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System here
• Get the Podcast Roadmap here
• Get the ADHD Routine Revamp here