How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Past Mistakes

Fact: Your past doesn’t define who you are today. I know — this seems to go against the “inspirational” posters boasting, “You are what you are today because of the choices you made in the past.” But today, I want to suggest otherwise. The truth is – as ADHD brains – we use this messaging against ourselves all the time.

We think, “If I’m the sum of my actions, how could I possibly make a change?” Or “I haven’t been successful before, so why would this time be different?”

Here’s what I want you to know: your past attempts do not determine your future success. 

In fact, I think your past attempts make your success even more inevitable.

In episode 270 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast, we explore how this is possible.

When you tune in, you’ll learn how to:

• Reframe your beliefs about who you are and what you can accomplish
• Recognize your growth and build on your strengths
• Move forward confidently, knowing what’s worked and what hasn’t, as you build on that knowledge to reach your goals.

If you’re ready to leave behind the old soundtracks of doubt and discouragement and step into what works for your ADHD brain, episode 270 has your name on it. 

https://youtu.be/SIB_0lceors

You can listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.

Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for a summary of the key takeaways.

Episode 270: How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Past Mistakes (Transcript)

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by everything you’ve done—or not done—and wondered, ‘Why even bother trying to change this thing? I’ve tried so hard, I’ve never been able to change before. What’s the point in continuing? There’s plenty of evidence out there that I’m not a person who can XYZ. (Enter your obstacles here.)’

For years, mine were: What’s the point in even trying? I’ve put in my reps. I’m just not a person who can get things done on time, focus on what matters without getting distracted by everything else, and stick to the plan I made.

And more recently, it’s been: Get to bed on time and end my workday when I say I will.  

Understanding the “Sum of Your Actions” Mindset

Recently one of my clients asked:

‘How do you think about our actions in aggregate? In other words, when you have so much evidence of a particular behavior or result over and over, how can you believe differently? If you are the sum of your actions, and your actions are not moving toward your goals, then what?’ 

She gave a hypothetical example of being late. She said,

‘Let’s say someone is always late…but they’re not just a minute or two late, they’re so late it’s getting noticed.

They’ve been written up at work, and they eventually lose their job. If that were me, I’d have a hard time thinking anything other than, ‘I’m always late. I’m a late person. That’s just how I run.’

Now, I KNOW this is a familiar refrain for many of us. Most brains who have tried to learn new skills or make changes in their lives – especially us ADHD brains who often navigate black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking – know these tendencies well.

And it’s certainly messaging that’s reinforced in popular culture, too.

Think of the Instagram and Pinterest quotes like:

‘You’re the sum of your actions,’

‘The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.’

This messaging is everywhere.

So again, if you’ve ever noticed yourself thinking something similar or wondering similar questions, you’re not alone.

We’ve all heard ‘You are what you repeatedly do’ or ‘Past performance is the best predictor of future behavior,’ and it’s easy to let those messages weigh us down. But also, we don’t have to.

So, today, we’re going to talk about just that. I’d love to share a bit about:

• How I like to think about these perspectives
• We might think about them in new ways to increase our self-compassion while finding more constructive, supportive ways to keep us moving forward.

Sound good? Then let’s dive in.

5 Ways To Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Past Mistakes

1. Break Free from Negative Thought Patterns

Let’s slow down for a minute and check-in.

How often do you think, ‘I’m always messing up,’ or ‘I can never get it right’?

We think we’re looking objectively at our actions and using them as evidence to define who we are. I never get anything right, ergo – I will never get anything else right either.  

These are not objective truths. You do not always mess up. There are many times when you got it “right.”

Heck, you turned on this podcast and are listening today. Win.

You’ve kept yourself alive today. Win.

You’ve probably fed yourself and maybe fed other humans or pets as well. Win.

There are so many things you do right, but your brain has a hard time seeing those because we’re so focused on the belief that we never get anything right. 

It’s important to check in – and check in often

What are you telling yourself?

And remember – just because your brain thinks this thing doesn’t make it a fact. It may seem true. You may have all the compelling evidence your brain has gathered with its cognitive bias over the years to reinforce it as fact. 

Most of the time, it’s not fact. “I’m always late” is not a fact. “I’m terrible with time” is not a fact. “I’m unreliable” is not a fact. You cannot prove this.

You can’t go to the doctor and get a blood test to see if you’re positive for running late or being reliable. It’s just not a thing. These are beliefs. They are opinions your brain holds and have likely gathered evidence, but they are not objective truths. 

So even if you hear that little voice saying, ‘You are what you repeatedly do,’ and it really seems like you’re stuck in a loop you can’t break, it’s not a fact. And there are other ways we can think about that situation that can really shift everything. 

Now, I want to add a quick caveat here. This mindset isn’t always harmful. If you’re thinking, ‘you are what you repeatedly do’ about something you’re proud of, it can be quite helpful.

For example, maybe you think, “I am always kind to people in the service industry because I know how hard they work. I am consistently kind to people in the service industry.” Amazing! If that feels good to you and it encourages you to keep showing up in that way, fantastic! Keep it up. 

Here’s the thing—most of the time, we use this mindset against ourselves. Instead of celebrating our wins, we focus on our mistakes, and that’s when it becomes an obstacle. That’s when it can really keep us stuck. That’s why it’s important to check in with ourselves, which we’ll talk more about later on.

2. Practice The Pause & Question This Negative Thinking

The first and most important step as we dive into this tangled exploration of what is – essentially – self-concept and identity work – is to start noticing when this perspective sneaks in. Start noticing when you tell yourself (and others), ‘I’m always late,’ or ‘I can never get it right.’ 

When these moments unfold, it’s so important to take a moment to pause. For all my clients, this is the second section of our self-concept work in your portal. The two sections on Practicing the Pause. Again, this is the groundwork.

Learning to pause is such a powerful game changer in nearly every area of our life, especially when it comes to identity and belief work.

👉 If we haven’t worked together – first of all – let’s chat! I’d love to do this work with you. You can learn more about both 1:1 coaching and small group coaching.

So we want to pause. We want to recognize that this mindset is creeping in, and from there, we want to gently question it. I always love to play with different iterations of Byron Katie’s four-question framework. I will also link to her in the show notes. 

We want to slow down, pause, and ask ourselves:

• Is this true?
• Am I always late?
• How do I feel when I think this thought?
• How do I show up when I’m thinking this way?
• Is it helpful when I think this?
• Is there another way to think about this that feels a bit different?
• If my best friend navigated the same thing, would I think the same way about them?

By bringing awareness to these beliefs, and doing so with genuine curiosity, we can start poking holes in some of the beliefs, which is so important. It is step one. 

The truth is, if we’re unaware of these all-or-nothing beliefs, “you’re the sum of your actions” or “the way you do one thing is the way you do everything,” Especially when we use them in ways that hurt – this mindset can leave us feeling stuck.

This will discourage us from trying again or iterating on the process.

It creates a negative loop where past mistakes overshadow any progress you make. After all, if ‘past performance is the best predictor of future behavior,’ it can feel like change isn’t even possible.”

We really get stuck in what Carol Dwek talks about as a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset.

3. Change the Narrative of Your Thoughts

So, how do we shift from this ‘what’s the point?’ perspective? It starts with shifting the story you tell yourself about your actions.

Instead of saying, ‘I’m the sum of my mistakes’ or ‘the way you do one thing is the way you do everything,’ we want to shift to something that is still believable, but actually moves us in the direction we want to go.

I’m not talking about shifting from I’m the sum of my mistakes to I’m amazing at everything. No. The brain will not get on board with that. Instead, we want to make small shifts. We want the new thought to feel slightly less terrible.

For example, if you’ve been late to work several times and it cost you your job, instead of thinking,

‘I’m a failure,’ reframe it to >>

• “Sometimes I’m late, and sometimes I’m not.”
• “I’ve been on time in the past; it’s possible I can increase that frequency.”
• “I’m learning what strategies work best for me to be on time more often.”

These shifts allow you to see each action not as a reflection of your entire self, but as part of a larger learning process.

It encourages us to:

• Find the instances when we are on time
• Get curious
• Look for what’s working so we can start implementing that more often

4. Address The Beliefs That Hold Us Back

Let’s look at some of these familiar beliefs so many of us know well.

Beliefs like:

‘I’ve never been able to change—why would now be different?’

‘What’s the point in trying since I’ll never stick with it?’

These thoughts can feel paralyzing, especially when we’ve internalized messages like ‘you are what you repeatedly do.’

Here’s the thing: Every attempt you make, even if it doesn’t work out perfectly, is a step forward. You are either winning or learning. Please hear me. You are winning or learning. Both move you forward if you let them. If you’re willing to get curious learn from what worked and what didn’t and make adjustments to try again. 

I mean, honestly – “past performance is the best predictor of future behavior” just isn’t always true.

There always has to be a first time. Think of it like learning to walk. Toddlers don’t get it right on the first try, but each step builds your ability.

In fact, you have to fall down and get up and fall down and get up in order to strengthen those leg muscles enough to be able tos walk. It’s the falling down and getting back up that makes you strong enough to do the thing so effortlessly later.

If you’re falling down, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It doesn’t mean it’s “who you are.” It means you’re still learning and building the muscle. And there’s always something to learn. 

And there always has to be a first time.

In growth areas, we never just ‘get it right’ the first time without some sort of wobble. And in fact – those areas, the ones we can do flawlessly the first time – are often the things our brains label as boring. 

There’s always a turning point. There’s always that first time. The question is, are you willing to lean in and learn from each of the experiences leading up to it? Are you willing to keep going until you turn the corner? Until you find that you seamlessly shift gears without stalling at least 50% of the time? And then 75-80% of the time? And then eventually, 95-100% of the time?

5. Embrace Small Wins

This is why I’m always so adamant about celebrating your wins and recognizing your growth.

This is why I have that Count Your Wins Journal, which is designed to help you identify areas in your life to celebrate every day.

Now, I know. Celebrating our wins is something that’s — quite often — super uncomfortable for many of us. Myself included. But I’m telling you –  recognizing those wins and our accomplishments is also critical to help us start shifting the stories we believe about ourselves. 

It’s like our brain is a radio station. It keeps playing The Greatest Hits over and over on repeat. We need to introduce some new songs. We want to introduce some new hits and phase out the old tracks that are just noise on the air. Let’s start playing the songs we want to hear more often.

If your brain is convinced that you’re always late, or you never follow through, or you can’t stick to a schedule, or you’re unreliable, start looking for other evidence. Start finding the win. 

Maybe you created a schedule for yourself, and you didn’t follow any of it. But you learned that your schedule included enough work to last a week rather than the 4 hours you had Monday morning. That is a huge win in terms of increasing your awareness of time blindness and how much time you need to complete the things on your list. Win. 

I’m telling you, it is so critical to start seeing these areas of growth and accomplishment. Our brain usually wants to brush them off. We think, “Sure, I was 5 minutes earlier than usual, but I’m still 5 minutes late.”

But don’t do that to yourself. Recognize the progress. Celebrate the progress. Learn from what worked. What might you try next?  Again, you’re either winning or you’re learning, and both move you forward. Both create growth

Recap & Final Thoughts

As a quick recap…

1. Start Noticing Your Beliefs:

Over the next week, I invite you to start noticing when you tell yourself things like ‘I’m always late,’ ‘I can never get it right,’ or ‘I’m unreliable.’ Notice these thoughts with curiosity rather than judgment.

2. Practice the Pause:

When you catch yourself in a negative thought loop, practice pausing. Take a moment to sit with that belief. Is it true? How does it feel when you think about this? Is it helping you show up the way you want to? If not, is there a more compassionate way to think about this situation?

3. Reframe Your Thoughts:

Then, play around with some other beliefs that still seem believable but move you in the direction you want to go. Instead of ‘I’m always late,’ try ‘Sometimes I’m late, and sometimes I’m not.’ Notice how this small shift changes how you feel.

4. Celebrate Your Wins:

At the end of each day, take a moment to reflect on one thing you did well or one area where you made progress, no matter how small. Write it down or share it with someone you trust. Reinforce this new narrative in your mind.

5. Embrace the Idea of Winning or Learning:

Each time you attempt something, remind yourself that you’re either winning or learning. Both outcomes are valuable and help you move forward.

Remember, you are not defined by the sum of your actions. You get to decide how you think about all of it. So why not choose the beliefs that help you show up in the way you want to.

Challenge those stories that keep you stuck, invite your brain to focus on small wins, and start noticing how much faster you see the changes you want in your life.

–

All right, my friends, that’s going to do it for us this week.

If you’re ready to take these concepts and apply them to your life, if you’re ready to learn how to support your ADHD in a way that’s best for you, I invite you to check out today’s show notes where you can learn more about how we can work together in both my small group coaching program, We’re Busy Being Awesome, and through one on one coaching.

👉 Ready to take these concepts and apply them to your life? I would love to help you. Learn more about how we can work together with my small group coaching program, “We’re Busy Being Awesome,” and one-on-one coaching.

👉 Also, have you grabbed my free ADHD Routine Revamp training? It’s designed to help you lock in a routine and make it stick. If you haven’t taken this free training yet, access it HERE!

Also, if you want to learn my simple step-by-step approach to locking in a routine and making it stick, be sure to check out my free course, the ADHD Routine Revamp. You can tap through the link in the show notes or head to imbusybeingawesome. com slash routine to sign up. Until next time, keep being awesome.

I’ll talk with you soon.

Links From The Podcast

• Learn more about both 1:1 and small group coaching with Paula here 
• Get the top 10 tips to work with your ADHD brain (free ebook!)
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources here
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System here
• Get the Podcast Roadmap here
• Get the ADHD Routine Revamp here
  
• Episode 182: How To Slow Down and Pause With ADHD
• Byron Katie, Loving What Is

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