All-Or-Nothing Thinking: Examples & How To Overcome

All-or-nothing thinking is a common yet often overlooked obstacle for those of us with ADHD.

Our brains love to see things in extremes as we think things like I’m always late, I never reach my goals, I always procrastinate.

You see, the ADHD brain struggles with cognitive flexibility, which means it’s more challenging for us to see the middle ground.

In other words, our brains are quite INflexible.

We focus on the black and white rather than the gray in-between and our perfectionism prevents us from accepting things as “good enough.”

But don’t worry. All is not lost. In fact, there are many ways we can increase our mental flexibility.

In episode 209 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast, we explore how to do just that.

Tune in now to learn:

• 5 key areas ADHD brains struggle with all-or-nothing thinking
• 3 effective strategies to embrace the gray with greater ease
• How to implement these practices in your life today.

You can listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.   

Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for the entire podcast transcript. 

In This Episode, You Will Discover

• Five key areas ADHD brains struggle with all-or-nothing thinking
• Three effective strategies to embrace the gray with greater ease
• How to implement these practices in your life today.

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Episode # 209: All-or-Nothing Thinking with ADHD: Examples & How To Overcome (Transcript) 

Today we’re looking at the topic of all-or-nothing thinking, which, I think is a part of the ADHD experience that is just not talked about enough.

We tend to think about focus, attention, organization and time management – all of which are genuine obstacles that we navigate. But when it comes to our cognitive flexibility, our all-or-nothing thinking, and our perfectionism, these are areas that aren’t talked about quite as often, despite how present they are and how much they can impact our lives.

So today I want to give a quick overview of:

• What all or nothing thinking looks like generally so we’re all on the same page.
• We’ll discuss five main ways this mindset tends to show up for us.

By developing this more nuanced understanding of the categories and recognizing when this mindset shows up, we can notice it more easily. We can question when it appears and start deciding intentionally how we want to think about these different situations and experiences that happen so often in our lives.

But first, let’s do a quick overview.

What Is All-or-Nothing Thinking?

All-or-nothing thinking is a common thought pattern that we ADHD brains often experience.

It essentially involves us seeing things in more extreme terms, with little to no middle ground or any room for flexibility.

We’re good at it or bad at it.

We love it or hate it.

We always do something, or we never do something, etc.

While there are many reasons why a brain can slip into this pattern of thinking, I tend to see two key reasons that often come to the foreground for ADHD brains.

We struggle with our executive functioning

Keeping this in mind, we might look at a project for work or something we want to do around the house, and our brain might think something like, “Well, I need to do the whole thing now. But it’s going to take so long, and I don’t have enough time. Why bother starting?”

The reason our brain tends to think in this way is that it’s literally more challenging for an ADHD brain to break down larger projects into smaller parts. The brain doesn’t naturally think to do this. It’s used to seeing things in that big picture.

As another example, we plan to do something, but if a portion of that plan changes, it’s challenging to adjust because our brain struggles with seeing how all those smaller parts of the plan work together when something changes.

So, if I worked really hard to map out a big meal with different courses or lots of sides and needed to coordinate the time for everything.

Then I learned that something might disrupt that timeline a bit – maybe someone will show up late, or I need to keep something in the oven a little longer – it’s hard for my brain to adjust.

I worked so hard to make my original plan, and now I’m asking it to switch on the fly to something different and my brain wants to freeze up.

We often struggle with cognitive flexibility overall, which means our brain is not naturally as flexible in terms of seeing the gray between the black and white, or letting things be “good enough” rather than perfect.

So this is one reason why we slip into all-or-nothing thinking so easily is our struggle with executive functioning.

We Navigate Rejection Sensitivity

In addition, many of us with ADHD brains also navigate rejection sensitivity.

This means that we are much more aware of and sensitive to:

• Criticism
• Rejection
• Feedback
• Judgment from others

And because we experience this so strongly, it can create a strong fear and desire for perfection.

We think that if we reach some level of perfection – even if we know perfect doesn’t technically exist – it can act as protection from experiencing that painful experience of negative feedback, of criticism, of rejection.

So we keep tweaking and adjusting and striving for perfection, all in hopes of avoiding that pain of rejection.

I tend to see this come up a lot in terms of setting and reaching goals and in our interactions with other people.

So again, this all-or-nothing thinking is a very common obstacle for those of us with ADHD and ADHD tendencies.

While it can be frustrating to deal with, there are absolutely ways we can help create greater awareness of how it shows up. This allows us to question the extremes when they show up and gradually start seeing the gray more often.

So let’s talk about it.

5 Examples of All-or-Nothing Thinking with ADHD:

Today I want to explore five key areas where all-or-nothing thinking tends to pop up, how we can recognize it when it does, and what we might do to start seeing more gray between the black and white.

As you listen, I invite you to notice if any of these five categories sound especially familiar or whether your brain has any particular go-to’s from the list. Mine certainly does.

In fact, as I was putting together the episode, it was fascinating to see how I used to check each of these five boxes in nearly every situation.

In true all-or-nothing form, I basically did all of them all the time. And it was fun to see how much that has shifted and where I still have plenty of room to continue stretching and increasing my cognitive flexibility further.

1. Achieving Perfection

The first area all-or-nothing-thinking appears is around the category of perfectionism with regard to achievement and performance.

Your brain might think…

Unless you do something perfectly the first time when you start a new skill or learn something new or go after a big goal, it’s really not worth pursuing.

If we don’t do it perfectly the first time, our efforts don’t “count.”

This is the Hermione Granger mindset, if you will. You either get a hypothetical A+ in whatever you’re doing and anything else might as well be an F. And if you’re not certain that you can get the A+, you might not even try.

For instance, I’ve worked with so many remarkably creative clients who WANT to use their creativity more often, but they tell themselves that whatever they’re making or designing or drawing or baking must come out exactly as they envisioned it the first time; otherwise, it’s a failure.

It’s not worth doing if it’s not perfect.

That demand for perfection is so strong. And since they’re new at the skill, chances of anything near perfection are slim to none. And they never start.

So check in with yourself

• Does any of this sound familiar?
• Do you often think you’ve failed
• Do you lose all your motivation and drive whenever you make a “mistake,” or experience a setback, or when things don’t go as you initially envisioned?
• Notice if you struggle to see or acknowledge your progress or if it’s hard to see your accomplishments as meaningful unless they meet impossibly high standards.

If these situations sound familiar, it’s probably a good chance that we’ve slipped into all-or-nothing thinking within this achievement, performance, and perfectionism category.

2. Relationships and Social Interactions

Not surprisingly, this has a strong connection to the rejection sensitivity I mentioned earlier.

So if you have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking in this area, you might find your brain seeing one single interaction or one comment within one interaction as either a reflection of the entire relationship or even their ability to interact socially overall. 

You might ruminate on the one thing you said and determine that you’ve destroyed the relationship or you ruined the party or you’re so bad at people-ing generally.

Now, I know these examples seem extreme – but let me tell you, it feels very real in the mind when rejection sensitivity is involved.

When I say the brain thinks you’ve ruined the relationship because you said that one thing, it feels so so true. If left unchecked, you might notice this leading to stronger social anxiety, self-isolation, and you might struggle to form and maintain important connections with others generally.

As I mentioned earlier, it’s been fascinating to see where I think I’ve made some great progress and where I still have plenty of space for growth.

While I think I’ve grown a lot regarding seeing the gray in performance and achievement and perfectionism category, I still notice the all-or-nothing pop up pretty frequently when it comes to relationships and social interactions – especially when I’m meeting new people and forming new relationships. My brain loves to go to the extremes at times like this.

With that in mind, what are we looking for?

How do we know if we’re slipping into all or nothing when it comes to relationships and social interactions?

Well, we want to pay attention to how we’re feeling before, during, and after interactions with other people.

Notice if you…

• Catastrophize minor conversations or if you’re spinning on something you said that someone else might not think twice about.
• Interpreting a smaller disagreement or differing opinion as a total breakdown of the relationship. If so, make note.

We may want to step back, challenge the all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking, and look for the gray.

3. Decision Making and Problem-Solving

The third area where I often see our all-or-nothing come up focuses on making decisions and solving problems. And this appears in a few ways.

We’re trying to solve a problem, and we have a hard time finding the middle ground or seeing other solutions in any given situation.

Let’s say we need to solve a scheduling issue at work, and we find two options – we can either do this or that.

In these situations, our brain loves to latch onto those two options, and then we completely miss the fact that we could also solve that same problem with options CDEFGH. However, because we feel caught between two options, both of which often are not desired we miss the others.

And instead, we try and choose the option that’s the least terrible.

The other way I see all-or-nothing show up when it comes to decision-making and problem-solving is the opposite…

We DO see all of those different options. We DO see options ABCDEFGH

But our black and white, all or nothing thinking tries convincing us that there is only one “right” decision or “best” decision to make.

Rather than realizing that there are many different options, all of which could work, we’re convinced that there is one right decision.

And since we don’t know which one is “right,” we spin.

Not surprisingly, this can lead to a lot of indecisiveness, a lot of overwhelm, and a lot of avoiding decisions altogether.

So what do we do here? How do we notice if we’re in this trap?

In this situation, I invite you to start noticing when you feel like you’re trapped between only two options.

When do you feel stuck while thinking to yourself, we can either do this or that?

Or when do you think to yourself, “I have no idea what to choose, because I don’t know which one is right.” “I want to make sure I choose the best option.” “I don’t want to choose the wrong thing.”

If you notice your brain offering thoughts like this, it’s a strong indicator that there may be some gray area to find in between those two options.

4. Habits and Routines

Our brains love to see habits and routines in very absolute terms. It’s very black and white with no middle ground or shades of gray.

For example, if you’re trying to establish a new habit like meditating for 5 minutes a day and you miss a single day, your brain may see it as a failure. You’ve “fallen off the wagon,” and you’re thinking, “There I go again. I can’t even do 5 minutes a day. Why do I even try? I’ve blown it again.”

Or maybe you’re thinking about a new morning routine. And while you’ve heard people talk about the importance of starting small with new routines to make them manageable, you just can’t get on board with that approach.

Your ideal morning routine requires at least two hours and involves journaling, meditation, movement, and reading, so when you consider starting with just three slow breaths while you wait for your coffee to brew in the morning, your brain scoffs.

It offers a thought like, “Are you kidding me? What’s the point? 3 breaths won’t do anything. That doesn’t even count. I need at least 2 hours.”

Now my guess is you’ve probably noticed this type of all-or-nothing somewhere in your life because many of us have tried to establish new routines and habits at different periods.

Notice if you have all-or-nothing energy here

• Are you telling yourself that you’ve fallen off the wagon because you missed a couple of days of your new habit, so now you have to start over again?
• Does your brain offer thoughts like, “You have to start back at the beginning.” “Doing just a little bit doesn’t count.”
• Does your brain scoff at the idea that “doing something is better than doing nothing at all?” 

These are all beautiful indications that the all-or-nothing brain may be driving the ship of your new habit or goal.

5. Success and Worthiness

The final way I see “all-or-nothing” thinking pop up is so very common for those of us with ADHD, and it’s also probably one of the most painful examples.

All-or-nothing- thinking pops up when we’re working on a goal or a project that’s meaningful to us, and this is the tendency to tie up our self-worth and our identity in whether or not we achieve that goal or complete the project.

We can get really hard on ourselves if we don’t reach the goal because we make it mean that we are not good enough or not worthy enough AS HUMANS.

Our brains somehow make this correlation that if we get passed over for the promotion, or we don’t reach our sales goals, or the article we submitted was rejected from the top three journals in our field, we aren’t good enough.

We hold onto some version of this incredibly painful belief that if we don’t reach our goal right away (or at all), it means we’re unworthy of success or that we’re not good enough as humans.

Not surprisingly, in situations like this we tend to also a lot of self-doubt, insecurity, and lower self esteem.

We’re often afraid to take risks or put ourselves out there, because if things don’t go as planned, it becomes a personal reflection of who we are as humans, which is an incredibly painful thing to carry around.

In this situation, observe if you judge yourself based on individual outcomes or setbacks

• Do you tend to make whether or not you reach a goal or complete a project mean something about you?
• Do you believe that any type of failure or stumbling block reflects your inherent worth as a person, or do you struggle to separate who you are and your identity from external achievement?

If so, you may have all-or-nothing thinking challenging your self-perception.

Check In With Yourself

Now check in with yourself. Do any of these five categories stand out to you?

If so, make note of which ones.

In fact, I’m tempted to just leave the podcast here and have you take the next week to simply build awareness of where your brain slips into this thought pattern in the different areas of your life.

I won’t just leave you there, because y’all know I love action steps as well.

But don’t skip over the awareness part. Awareness is especially important with this topic because we need to have the awareness to actually use the tools that help us see the gray more often.

What Supports Can We Put In Place For All-Or-Nothing Thinking?

So as you build your awareness, and you notice these tendencies coming up, what can we do? What supports can we put in place?

Set Realistic Expectations

One of the first steps to navigating all-or-nothing thinking is to start intentionally setting realistic expectations for yourself.

Slow down and take a look at your expectations for the goal you set or the routine you’re establishing or the relationships in your life.

• Are these expectations reasonable?
• Would you happily give these expectations to someone else?
• Would you hold them for your best friend or someone you love dearly?

If the answer is no, that’s a good indication that it’s time to check in and maybe make some adjustments.

Start gathering evidence of how making mistakes might actually be a good thing.

I know this sounds absurd, but if you start looking for it, I promise you can find it.

Notice how mistakes you’ve made in the past allowed you to learn and grow and do things better the next time.

Show your brain how this is true.

If you’re learning a new skill, rather than holding that expectation that you should have it down perfectly the first time, instead create clear milestones for yourself. And make sure these milestones are reasonable.

Then intentionally recognize and celebrate your progress along the way.

Notice Extremes in Language

The next thing you can do is start noticing when you speak in extremes.

By this, I mean sentences like, “I always do this. I never do that.” “I always fail. I’m terrible at following through. I’m never on time. I’m the worst at meeting new people.”

Notice these extremes. And question them.

Is this true? Do you truly always fail?

I can guarantee you that it’s not true, actually.

You did not fail at pressing play on this podcast. Win.

Now it’s your turn. Start finding that gray by challenging the absolutes.

Doing this simple exercise will create greater mental flexibility, and your brain will start making the more flexible thinking patterns your habit more often.

Practice Self-Compassion

I highly encourage you to practice – as often as possible – is cultivating greater self-compassion and kindness toward yourself.

Now I know for many of us, I might as well have just said, “as often as possible, practice flying by flapping your arms really hard.” I get it!

Practicing self-compassion may seem totally out of reach.

Or it might seem like an unnecessary, soft, nebulous thing that only works for people who do yoga every day and live a Zen life. But that’s not true.

In fact, that’s the all-or-nothing brain slipping in saying, “that’s for everyone else. But there is no way that you could ever step into a practice of self-compassion, that it’s simply not possible.” Hello, all-or-nothing brain. I see you.

But what if that’s not true?

What if it’s absolutely possible to step into greater self-compassion?

Notice when your brain wants to criticize you.

• Recognize what’s happening.
• Then check in with yourself.
• Would you think this same thing about your best friend?
• Would you ever say anything like what you’re saying to yourself to anybody?

To be honest, I think most of us wouldn’t say what we say to ourselves to our worst enemy. It’s heartbreaking, actually.

So as often as possible, check in when you notice the critical voice and ask yourself, what would I say to my best friend or my sister or my child if they were in this same situation?

How would I show up for them? Then lean into doing the same for you.

If that feels especially challenging, check in and ask a safe person in your life

• With that friend you can be 100% you around
• A loved one who knows all of you and loves you more for it.
• With your therapist or your coach, who are on your team and always see the best in you.

Get their perspective – I’m telling you, it’s so powerful.

As I often say to my clients, when they’re starting to exercise their own self-compassion and confidence; you can lean on my belief as you develop the strength in yours. Because I see what’s true. I see you’re busy being awesome.

And if you need to lean on my belief until you see it too, I have more than enough belief for the both of us.

Final Thoughts

So with that, I invite you to stay open and curious this week.

Notice if and when you have all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking sneaking into your life.

• Is it around the categories of achievement and performance?
• Do you notice it regarding your relationships and social interactions?
• Does come up with decision-making and problem-solving?
• Do you find it in establishing habits and routines?
• Does it appear wrapped up in self-identity and self-worth?

Start noticing those areas, build awareness of when they pop up, and then use the supports we talked about today to start challenging them.

Start seeing the gray between the black and white. I think you’ll be amazed by how powerful these shifts can be.

Alright, my friends, that’s going to do it for us this week.

If you’re ready to take these concepts deeper and apply them to your life. If you’re ready to learn how to support your ADHD in a way that works for YOU, then I invite you to check out my small group coaching program, We’re Busy Being Awesome. And if it sounds like a great fit for you, you can add your name to the waitlist so you’re the first to know when the next cohort begins. 

Also, have you grabbed the podcast roadmap yet? It has the most popular episodes all detailed for you so you can get yourself up to speed and ready to work with your ADHD brain, you can grab it HERE!

Until next time, keep being awesome. I’ll talk with you soon.