Let’s talk ADHD relationships, shall we? If ADHD is part of your relationship—whether you’re the ADHD partner or the non-ADHD partner—you’ve probably felt real frustration at times.

Maybe you’re the person with ADHD, trying so hard but feeling constantly misunderstood. Or maybe you’re the partner without ADHD, feeling exhausted from what feels like doing everything yourself.

Here’s what I want to offer today: you both want the same thing.

• You both want connection
• Understanding
• For the relationship to work.

The challenge isn’t one person being the problem—it’s understanding what’s actually happening beneath the surface so you can figure out solutions together.

Today, we’re breaking down five common ADHD relationship scenarios from both perspectives, so you can move from frustration to working together on the same team.

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ADHD Relationships From Both Perspectives: Moving From Frustration to Connection

Today we’re exploring the 5 biggest sources of disconnect in ADHD relationships:

• Executive Dysfunction
• Time Blindness
• Working Memory
• Emotional Flooding
• Hyperfocus

The Frustration Happening on Both Sides of ADHD Relationships

Here’s what I see happening in so many ADHD relationships—whether romantic partnerships, friendships, family relationships, or work relationships: there’s frustration. Real, legitimate frustration. And it’s happening on both sides.

What Non-ADHD Partners Experience

If you’re the non-ADHD person, you might be experiencing things like:

• Tasks that don’t get done even though they said they would
• Forgotten plans
• Running late—again
• Watching someone struggle with what seems like a simple task and wondering why they just don’t…do it
• Intense emotional reactions that seem to come out of nowhere over something small
• Feeling like you’re not a priority when they hyperfocus on something else
• Walking on eggshells because you never know what’s going to trigger a shutdown or defensiveness

And if that’s your experience, of course you’re frustrated and discouraged. This is genuinely hard. You might feel like you’re doing all the heavy lifting. Or that maybe they just don’t care enough to try. Those feelings make complete sense given what you’re seeing.

What ADHD Partners Experience

Now, if you’re the person with ADHD, you might be experiencing something completely different:

• You’re trying so hard and that effort isn’t recognized by yourself or others. Instead, it’s just seen as failing to do the thing
• You care SO deeply about the thing you forgot, the person you let down, the task you can’t seem to start
• You’re already beating yourself up more than anyone else could
• You feel constant shame about the ways you think you’re falling short, which makes you want to hide
• You’re likely exhausted from the effort it takes just to function at what feels like everyone else’s baseline
• You’re driven by the very real fear of disappointing people
• You feel very misunderstood because your struggle is invisible, and you know there are people who think you’re lazy or don’t care when the opposite is true

And if that’s your experience, of course you’re frustrated and discouraged. Of course you’re exhausted. This is genuinely hard on your end as well.

Why You’re Both on the Same Team (Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It)

So here’s the thing I want to highlight: you both want the same outcome.

You both want connection. You both want to feel understood and valued. You both want the relationship to work. You both want to feel capable and respected.

It’s not one versus the other. For example, thinking of my husband Ryan who does not have ADHD and myself, it’s not me versus him. We want the same thing.

The challenge right now is that we’re seeing different angles of the same problem. And without a shared understanding of what’s actually happening, it’s really easy to make incomplete or inaccurate assumptions about each other.

It’s kind of like we’re trying to put together a 1000-piece puzzle. But you have 500 of the pieces and I have 500 of the pieces. We both think we see the complete picture, but in reality, we’re missing half the vision because we haven’t come together to connect and create that shared understanding.

The non-ADHD partner might think: “Clearly, they just don’t care enough. If this mattered to them, they’d actually do it.”

The ADHD partner might think: “They just don’t understand or see how hard I’m trying. They must just think I’m lazy. I can’t ask for help because I should be able to figure this out on my own.”

And both of those stories create distance. They create resentment. They make us feel like we’re on opposite sides.

But what I want to offer today is that you’re both on the same team. What if that’s true? What if this isn’t about one person being the problem to fix? What if it’s about understanding the actual obstacles so you can figure out solutions together?

That’s what I want to do today. I’m going to show you what’s actually happening under the surface in some really common scenarios. Because when we understand the WHY—when both people can see what’s really going on—we can figure out the HOW together.

We can move from “what’s wrong with you” to “what support do we need.”

We can move from frustration and blame to curiosity and collaboration.

What’s Really Happening: Common ADHD Relationship Scenarios

As you read through these scenarios, keep these questions in mind:

1. Which of these scenarios shows up most often for us?
2. What’s one specific pattern we keep running into, and what might support look like for both of us in that situation?
3. How can we remind each other we’re on the same team when things get hard?

Scenario 1: Executive Dysfunction – When Tasks Stay on the List

Let’s start with something really common in ADHD relationships: a task that doesn’t get done. Or another way to say this might be that the task perpetually stays on your list.

Maybe it’s scheduling a doctor’s appointment. Or responding to an important email. Or making a phone call that’s been on the list for weeks. Nothing huge. Just something that you want to make happen.

For the sake of our example, let’s say it’s calling the insurance company to figure out what’s covered when it comes to a certain procedure or medication.

What the non-ADHD partner sees:

You might see this and think: “It’s been three weeks. This would take 10 minutes. Why haven’t they just done it? Do I need to do everything myself? Does this not matter enough to them to follow through? Why don’t they care?”

And those thoughts are completely understandable. Because from the outside, it really can seem like a choice. Like if they cared enough, they’d pick up the phone and make it happen.

What’s happening in the ADHD brain:

Here’s what might actually be happening inside.

Every single day, that task is on the mental list. And they think something like, “Okay, I need to do that. I really have to do that.” The intention is there. The caring is there. But when it’s time to actually start—there’s this invisible wall.

Often times what’s happening in situations like this is executive dysfunction. So all brains have what’s called executive functions, which allow us to start tasks, get organized, break down plans, remember to call back your sister or pick up coffee beans on the way home.

The ADHD brain’s executive functions are quite impacted, and in this current example the brain’s “start” button—that task initiation—isn’t working. And I know that might sound strange if you don’t experience it, but imagine wanting to do something, knowing it’s important to do, sitting down to do it, and just…not being able to begin. Like there’s a disconnect between intention and action.

And then even more frustrating and confounding is the fact that some days the executive functions work fine—emails get sent, calls get made, things happen. Other days? It might as well be climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops. Same task. Same person. Completely different ability to execute.

And here’s the part that’s invisible from the outside: the shame. Every day that task doesn’t get done, there’s this running commentary: “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do this simple thing? They’re going to be so disappointed. I’m letting them down again.”

What’s actually happening:

It’s not that the ADHD person doesn’t care. It’s that their brain’s management system is unreliable. And I can assure you that they’re probably more frustrated about it than you are because they’re experiencing that executive dysfunction AND the shame and frustration with themselves knowing that you’re waiting on it.

What actually helps:

Rather than asking some flavor of “Why haven’t you done this yet?” which can trigger shame and defensiveness, we might try coming in with curiosity: “I noticed this hasn’t happened yet. What’s making this particular task challenging? Do you want to talk it through? How can we figure this out together?”

Maybe the solution is breaking it into smaller steps—because there’s actually a lot of steps involved in making that phone call. They have to:

1. Find the number
2. Look up the insurance information
3. Find their group number and subscriber number
4. Figure out what the prescription is
5. Make time for sitting on hold, but they don’t know how long they’ll be on hold
6. They don’t know how long they might need

And all of that can overwhelm the brain and make a person freeze up if we don’t have the steps broken down. Other solutions might be body doubling—sitting together while it gets done. Maybe it’s dividing the task differently.

Here’s a personal example: Making phone calls to businesses—like calling insurance or making appointments or inquiring about what a particular yard care business offers—is incredibly challenging for me. I’ll do all the research, find the number, write out bullet points—but then I freeze. My working memory shuts down and I can’t get the words out.

Once I realized what was going on and asked for help, Ryan and I figured out a workaround that works for both of us. You see, Ryan has no problem with actually making the phone calls, but he is often unsure what to ask. I do the research and prep, he makes the call. We divided the task based on our strengths, and the roadblock disappeared.

The key is approaching it as a team problem to solve, not a character flaw to fix.

Scenario 2: Working Memory Challenges – The Forgotten Plan or Conversation

Here’s another common one in ADHD relationships: you made plans, or you had an important conversation, and the other person has zero recollection of it.

What the non-ADHD partner experiences:

This can feel incredibly personal. “We talked about this yesterday. How do they not remember? Was I not important enough to pay attention to? Do they not value our time together?”

And again, those feelings make complete sense. Because in most relationships, when someone forgets something important you told them, it usually means they weren’t really listening or they didn’t care.

What’s happening in the ADHD brain:

Here’s what’s often happening inside.

ADHD brains have what we call working memory challenges. Think of working memory like a sticky note—it holds information temporarily. For ADHD brains, that sticky note isn’t very sticky. Information doesn’t stick around unless it’s written down in a permanent space or constantly reinforced.

There’s also this concept called object permanence. You know that phrase “out of sight, out of mind”? For ADHD brains, that’s not a metaphor—it’s literal. When something or someone isn’t directly in front of us, they can completely disappear from awareness.

So plans get made, but the moment they’re not written down somewhere visible, they vanish from the brain. Conversations happen, but unless they’re captured somehow, they don’t stick. That person you genuinely wanted to follow up with? They disappear from awareness until something random triggers the memory weeks later.

And when the ADHD person realizes what happened—that they forgot the plan or the conversation—there’s usually instant shame: “How did I forget this again? What is wrong with me?! I care about this person so much. Why does this keep happening? They must think I don’t care at all.”

What’s actually happening:

It’s not that you or your conversation or request weren’t important enough to remember. It’s that the brain literally can’t hold onto information the same way. And the ADHD person is probably just as upset about it as you are—maybe more, because they’re carrying the guilt on top of the forgetting.

What actually helps:

And again, this is for both the non-ADHD and the ADHD person. It’s not one person or the other. Work with your strengths.

Maybe you build in more external memory supports. Maybe you write the important things down during the conversation or right after. Setting reminders in phones. Using shared calendars for plans. Maybe even creating a “conversation notes” system where you both jot down key points.

Some of my clients have created what they call a PRM—a Personal Relationship Management system, like a CRM for the people you care about. Notes on when you last talked, what you discussed, reminders to check in.

Anything that allows you to stay connected and reduce the frustration on both sides is worth it.

Scenario 3: ADHD Time Blindness – When “10 Minutes” Becomes 45

This one’s huge in ADHD relationships: being late. Losing track of time. “I’ll be ready in 10 minutes” turning into 45 minutes.

What the non-ADHD partner feels:

When someone is consistently late or loses track of time, it’s natural to think: “They don’t respect my time. If this mattered to them, they’d be on time. I’m tired of always waiting.”

Those feelings are completely valid. Being kept waiting repeatedly is frustrating and feels disrespectful.

What’s happening in the ADHD brain:

Here’s what ADHD time blindness actually is: for many of us with ADHD, time is either “now” or “not now.” That’s it. We genuinely can’t feel what “40 minutes from now” or “later today” means. It all exists in the same fuzzy “not now” space.

I used to tell Ryan, “I’m going to take a quick shower, I’ll be back in 10 minutes.” One day he finally said to me with all the love and humor, “Paula, it is 27 minutes every time. It is never 10 minutes.” I genuinely believed it was 10 minutes. I wasn’t trying to lie or mislead him. My brain just cannot accurately estimate or feel time passing.

So we underestimate how long things take. We lose track of time completely when we’re focused on something. We feel genuinely shocked when deadlines arrive because they were “not now” for months and suddenly they’re “NOW” and we’re scrambling.

And when we realize we’re late again, there’s usually a rush of shame and panic: “Not again. They’re going to be so upset. Why can’t I just get this right?”

What’s actually happening:

It’s not disrespect or not caring. It’s a genuine neurological difference in how time is perceived and experienced.

What actually helps:

ADHD brains, it’s so important to create ways to track the passage of time, whether that’s time timers, having your watch buzz or ping every hour, reminders on your phone or alarms in another room that make you physically get up. Whatever it takes to help us create that awareness of passing time.

It can also be helpful to—when we’re both feeling grounded and open—talk through the actual steps involved and how long they realistically take for whatever the event or thing is…because we genuinely think getting ready takes 5 minutes when it’s really 25.

Another key is building in buffer time. For shared commitments, the ADHD person might set alarms for 30 minutes before, 15 minutes before, and 5 minutes before it’s time to leave.

And for both, keep really clear communication open. Maybe there’s an agreed-upon expectation that if either person is more than 10 minutes late, they send a text.

Or maybe you’re working with a colleague and you’ve learned that they tend to let things pile up before letting anyone know that they’re behind. Maybe you make a request that they send a weekly update via email with where they’re at on the project.

And if you are the ADHD brain on the receiving end of that, and you feel yourself freeze because you know you will spin for hours over the wording of that email, maybe you counter with something like, “I love the idea of an update. Could we do a 10-minute stand-up meeting every Thursday instead? I think we’ll have a much easier time getting on the same page in a much more efficient way if we could just meet in person and talk it through rather than me writing it out via email.”

It’s all about finding what’s a yes for both groups of people.

Scenario 4: Emotional Dysregulation – The Reaction That Seems to Come From Nowhere

This one can be really confusing in ADHD relationships: you ask a simple question or make a small comment, and suddenly the other person snaps, shuts down, or has what seems like a disproportionate emotional reaction.

What the non-ADHD partner experiences:

You might think: “I just asked about the milk. Why are they so upset? What did I do wrong? I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I can’t say anything without setting them off.”

And that’s a hard position to be in. Feeling like you have to monitor every word is exhausting.

What’s happening in the ADHD brain:

Here’s what’s often happening beneath the surface.

When you’re navigating executive dysfunction, time blindness, working memory challenges—all the things we’ve already talked about—you’re already carrying a lot of emotion about it. For many of us, we’ve been carrying this for most of our lives. It builds up like a pressure cooker.

So when something happens—even something small like “Did you remember to grab milk?”—the ADHD brain doesn’t just hear that question. It hears: “I forgot again. I let them down. I can’t do anything right.”

And because ADHD brains tend to feel emotions really intensely, that rush of shame can flood the system incredibly fast. The nervous system interprets it as a threat and goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. So the response comes out sharp—not because we’re actually mad at YOU, but because we’re flooded with self-directed emotion and our thinking brain has gone offline.

Coming from a slightly different but related scenario, there’s also sensory overload. Loud gatherings, busy environments, too many conversations at once—all of this can overwhelm the nervous system until suddenly we’re not in our thinking brain anymore. We’ve flipped into survival mode.

For years, I’d get completely overwhelmed at big gatherings. I’d seem fine—chatting, engaging, laughing—until suddenly I wasn’t. My nervous system would flip a switch. Not gradual. Sudden. I’d go into survival mode and need to get out immediately. For a long time I didn’t understand what was happening. But once I recognized the sensory overload pattern and talked with Ryan about it, we created a system. Now when I feel it building—usually after 2-3 hours—I make eye contact with him and he knows I have about five to ten minutes left. We either wrap up or I step out to regulate.

What’s actually happening:

The intensity of that emotion often isn’t about you, even though it gets directed at you. And I’m not asking anyone to give that a pass. I’m just trying to explain what’s happening. Most of the time when this happens, it’s about the ADHD person being flooded—either emotionally or sensorily—and their nervous system responding to that overwhelm.

What actually helps:

Creating space for regulation. For my ADHD brains listening, it is so important that we learn how to pause and recognize when we’re feeling dysregulated, and work toward increasing that awareness. We want to learn how to recognize and communicate in a way that’s as clear and kind as possible: “I’m starting to feel really overwhelmed. Can we pause this conversation for a few minutes so I can just walk around the block to clear my head?” The non-ADHD person allowing that space.

Or vice versa! Because the situation may also be flipped. The non-ADHD person may be feeling some big emotions, and the person with ADHD might be wanting to talk through something or hash it out. Allow the person with the big emotions the space they need to process and move through it.

One of my favorite phrases that both Ryan and I use together that I believe originally came from Brené Brown is the phrase, “I’m making this mean…” So for a ridiculous but very real example, I might say, “When you put a thumbs up emoji on my comment, I’m making that mean you don’t care and I feel rejected because you always used to put a heart.” Rather than just shoving it down and spinning in it, I open the opportunity for communication, and we talk through it when we both feel regulated and calm.

So again, this is a big one for all of us. Honestly, based on what I have found, the majority of us have never learned how to allow or navigate big emotions. We’ve been taught as a society to just shove them down or ignore them or smile and just be fine.

But it’s not fine, and it creates those pressure cooker situations. So the work here for all of us is to learn how to be with and process and allow our emotions.

Scenario 5: ADHD Hyperfocus – When It Looks Like Ignoring

Last scenario: the ADHD person is deeply focused on something, and they seem completely unreachable. They don’t respond when you talk to them. They lose track of time. They might even react with frustration when you interrupt.

What the non-ADHD partner sees:

This can feel like: “They care more about that task than about me. I’m trying to talk to them and they won’t even acknowledge me. They can focus on their hobby for three hours but can’t focus on our conversation for five minutes.”

What’s happening in the ADHD brain:

ADHD hyperfocus is this rare state where things finally feel doable for the ADHD brain. Remember how we talked about executive dysfunction—the struggle to start tasks? Hyperfocus is the opposite. The brain locks onto something and everything clicks. We’re productive. We feel capable. It feels like our brain is finally working WITH us instead of constantly fighting against us.

The challenge is that switching costs are incredibly high in this state. Interruptions don’t just pause the work—they can collapse the entire framework we’ve built in our head. Getting back to that level of clarity might take another hour, or might not happen at all that day.

Plus, we don’t know when hyperfocus will show up again. It could be days or weeks. So when it’s happening, there’s this desperate desire to protect it because it’s so rare.

I’ve definitely been the person who gave Ryan dramatic sigh and dagger eyes when he interrupted my hyperfocus. Not my proudest moments, but it’s real.

What’s actually happening:

It’s not choosing the task over the person. It’s the brain finally being in a state where it can function well, and the fear of losing that state.

What actually helps:

Communication and compromise. For the person interrupting: when possible, give a heads-up. “Hey, I need to talk about dinner plans. Can you find a stopping point in the next 30 minutes?” This gives the ADHD brain time to wrap up and prepare for the switch.

When Ryan texts me during the day, if it’s something that can wait, he writes in caps: “THIS CAN WAIT UNTIL AFTER WORK.” That way I know what needs immediate attention and what doesn’t.

For the ADHD person: set alarms for shared commitments. If you need to leave at 3pm, set alarms for 2:30 and 2:45.

And having conversations during calm moments about what hyperfocus looks like and how to work with it together. Maybe certain times are “hyperfocus friendly” and others are protected for connection. Maybe there’s a signal system—door closed plus headphones means only interrupt for emergencies.

The Pattern You Need to See Across All ADHD Relationship Challenges

So here’s what I want you to notice across all of these scenarios:

These challenges don’t exist in isolation. They compound and interact. Executive dysfunction leads to a forgotten task, which triggers shame, which causes emotional flooding, which shows up as snapping or shutting down. Time blindness causes lateness, which creates frustration on both sides, which makes it harder to have a calm conversation about solutions.

And here’s the other really important pattern that I can’t skip: the ADHD person is already intensely aware of most of these struggles. Most are trying incredibly hard. Most are carrying years—sometimes decades—of external and internal criticism about these exact patterns.

I used to joke in a joking-but-not-joking way: “Look, I know you’re frustrated, and I assure you anything you want to criticize me about, I’ve already said to myself a hundred times worse.”

We’re not oblivious to how we’re showing up. We’re painfully aware and incredibly frustrated about it ourselves. In fact, we can often feel especially flooded because we’re experiencing both the struggle itself AND the awareness that it’s affecting you—which is the last thing we want.

So when the non-ADHD person expresses frustration, even in a kind way, it can land on top of a mountain of existing shame. Which is why the ADHD person might get defensive or shut down—not because they don’t care, but because they’re already drowning in self-criticism.

And to the non-ADHD partner: understanding this doesn’t mean you have to accept behavior that hurts you or doesn’t work for you. You absolutely deserve connection and presence in your relationships. Those are reasonable, healthy needs.

What I’m suggesting for both the ADHD brain and the non-ADHD brain is approaching these conversations with curiosity instead of assumptions. What if it’s possible that we both care and want the same thing?

Because here’s what I genuinely believe: most people with ADHD aren’t asking you to let them off the hook or lower your standards. They’re asking you to understand that their brain works differently, and what looks like “not trying” from the outside is often massive effort that just isn’t producing the visible results everyone was hoping for.

How to Get on the Same Page: 4 Steps for ADHD Couples

Alright, so now that we understand what’s happening on both sides, how do we actually move forward in our ADHD relationships?

We shift from “why can’t you just…” to “what support do we need.” And I’m saying this to both listeners, because the ADHD brain is often saying these same things, but internally. Why can’t I just XYZ rather than asking what support do I need?

We move from blame to collaboration.

We remember: we’re on the same team. We want the same thing. So how do we build systems that work for both of us?

Here’s the pattern I’ve seen work again and again:

Step 1: Name What’s Hard Without Blame

Instead of: “You obviously don’t care about being on time.”

Try: “When we’re late to things, I feel embarrassed and stressed. I’m wondering what’s making it hard to get out the door on time and if we could make that feel easier.”

Step 2: Get Curious About the Specific Friction

“What makes this particular task challenging?”

“What usually happens when you try to start this?”

“What time of day feels hardest? Easiest?”

The more specific you can get about the actual obstacle, the better you can design support around it.

Step 3: Brainstorm Solutions Together

This is where collaboration happens. Both people bring ideas. Both people are willing to try things. Both people recognize that the first solution might not work, and that’s okay—we’ll iterate.

Step 4: Try It and Iterate

Pick one small thing to try this week. Just one. See how it goes. Adjust as needed. Celebrate when it works. Troubleshoot when it doesn’t.

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is progress. The goal is both people feeling more supported and less frustrated.

Moving Forward: You’re Both Doing Your Best

And here’s what’s really important:

Give yourself grace. Give each other grace. We’re all doing the best we can.

When we can come together, be honest about the obstacles, and do so when we’re regulated and genuinely trying to see the best in one another—that’s where we find the most effective solutions.

Because when we feel like we’re problem-solving together instead of one person being the problem that needs fixing—that’s when real, sustainable change becomes possible for everyone involved.

If you’re ready to take these concepts and apply them to your life, if you’re ready to learn how to support your ADHD in a way that’s best for you, I invite you to check out how we can work together in both my small group coaching program, We’re Busy Being Awesome, and through one-on-one coaching.

Until next time, keep being awesome.

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Frequently Asked Questions About ADHD Relationships

Why does my ADHD partner forget our conversations?

ADHD brains have working memory challenges—think of working memory like a sticky note that doesn’t stick well. Information doesn’t transfer to long-term memory unless it’s written down or constantly reinforced. It’s not that the conversation wasn’t important; it’s that the brain literally can’t hold onto information the same way.

Why is my ADHD partner always late?

Time blindness is a genuine neurological difference in how ADHD brains perceive time. For many people with ADHD, time exists as either “now” or “not now”—there’s no felt sense of “40 minutes from now.” It’s not disrespect; it’s a difference in how time is experienced and perceived.

How do I stop nagging my ADHD partner?

Instead of reminders, try approaching with curiosity: “What’s making this particular task challenging?” Then brainstorm solutions together—maybe external memory supports, body doubling, or dividing tasks based on strengths. The key is approaching it as a team problem to solve, not a character flaw to fix.

Can ADHD relationships work?

Yes! ADHD relationships absolutely can work when both partners understand what’s happening beneath the surface and work together as a team. The key is moving from blame to curiosity, understanding that you both want the same thing, and building systems that work for both people.

What is executive dysfunction in ADHD?

Executive dysfunction refers to challenges with the brain’s management system—the executive functions that help us start tasks, stay organized, manage time, and follow through on plans. In ADHD, these functions are unreliable, which can make tasks feel impossible to start even when the intention and caring are there.

Resources From This Episode:

• Episode 247: 8 Discreet Emotional Regulation Strategies for ADHD
• Episode 234: Hyperfocus in Adults with ADHD
• Episode 296: How to use Reminders & Notifications with ADHD
• Episode 302: 5 Hacks to Handle Interruptions at Work & Home
• Episode 229: 10 Reasons for ADHD Emotional Disconnect
• Episode 149: 5 Core Executive Functions

More ADHD Resources:

• Discover my favorite ADHD resources
• Learn my Top 10 Tips to Work With Your ADHD Brain
• Access the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Podcast Roadmap
• Free course: ADHD Routine Revamp

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