10 Reasons for ADHD Emotional Disconnect

For those of us with ADHD, the ability to experience our big feelings is a critical skill when it comes to emotional regulation.

At the same time, many of us ADHDers also seem to forget that we have bodies existing below our heads…and we resist slowing down to check in with how we’re feeling. But why is this?

In episode 229 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast, we explore 10 key reasons for this ADHD emotional disconnect and why many of us avoid our feelings, from social stigma to a fear of intensity to shielding ourselves against vulnerability.

By building awareness of the main barriers blocking us from our emotions, we create stronger supports that can ultimately help us better regulate our emotions overall.

Tune in now and begin identifying the barriers most familiar for you!

You can listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.   

https://youtu.be/WE96LSzl0b8

Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for the entire podcast transcript. 

In This Episode, You Will Discover

• The connection between emotional regulation and ADHD.
  
• 10 common reasons for ADHD emotional disconnect (why we avoid our emotions).
  
• Why it’s essential to allow our emotions rather than suppress them.
  

Episode #229: 10 Reasons for ADHD Emotional Disconnect (Transcript)

If you’re like many of us, slowing down to check in on how we’re feeling both physically and emotionally is not a regular pastime.

As ADHD brains with super busy minds, we tend to forget we have bodies below our heads. We don’t often remember to pause and check in with ourselves. And if you’re anything like I was before learning to slow down more often, you may even question the point of it.

My thought was, “Everything that matters happens from the neck up. Who cares about what’s happening in the body?”

If that’s your usual MO, don’t worry. I see you.

It’s important to challenge this a bit. Because it turns out that what’s happening emotionally is really important. Especially since those of us with ADHD and ADHD tendencies navigate emotional regulation issues more often than our neurotypical or non-ADHD family and friends, which means we tend to struggle more with regulating our emotions.

What I’ve also noticed working with so many different ADHD brains.

If we’ve never slowed down and given this a try. If we’ve never made checking in with our emotions and our physical state a regular practice – some people talk about this as somatic work – it can seem a little bit confusing and maybe even intimidating.

Like most new things, we may feel some hesitation about getting started.

Again, nothing has gone wrong here. This is a perfectly reasonable response.

As we’ll talk about in just a moment, I actually have ten different reasons why I think so many of us resist feeling and allowing our emotions generally. So if this is you, you’re in good company. Nevertheless, it is important, and we’ll explore why that’s the case later on, too.

After we give ourselves context around why many of us often avoid the practice of feeling and allowing our emotions, we’ll then why it’s important we do, and finally, I’ll share a super approachable and accessible way to help you drop into practicing this skill more often.

(Please note my use of the words practice and skill here, okay? Having a connection and understanding of what’s happening in our bodies is not something you either have, or you don’t. Instead, it’s a skill we can all foster and improve with practice.)

Why We Feel Hesitant To Feel Our Feelings

So with that all said, let’s first talk about why many of us tend to feel hesitation around dropping in and feeling our feelings.

As I mentioned, navigating our emotions can be a bit like embarking on an uncharted adventure, and because it feels so unfamiliar, we’re often a little hesitant.

We’ve heard people talk about ADHDers navigating emotional dysregulation. And we’ve certainly experienced big emotions before, but when it comes to actually slowing down to intentionally be WITH our emotions, notice how they physically feel, and allow them to exist in our body.

There’s often a huge amount of resistance OR a lot of confusion because we literally don’t know how to do it. We don’t know how to do it because we’ve never been taught. This makes sense!

Again, that’s what we’re here to do today.

10 Reasons for ADHD Emotional Disconnect

First, let’s explore the 10 reasons why I think many of us tend to resist our feelings rather than allow and move through them. I’ll also mention that I think this list of 10 reasons applies to all humans generally, and even more so for us ADHD brains since we tend to feel our emotions even bigger.

So let’s dive into the ten different reasons we tend to resist our emotions, starting with #1, which I’ve labeled as social stigma.

1. Social Stigma

We’ve all either felt it ourselves or seen it happen to others. We’ve all anticipated the societal side-eye when we let the more raw, unfiltered version of ourselves show.

In other words, we’re worried about what other people will think if we actually let ourselves feel our feelings. We’re worried we’ll be rejected, be seen as weak, as too much, as too emotional, as a short fuze, etc.

2. Cultural and Societal Messaging

Building on this, we all come from diverse backgrounds, all of which bring different messages around emotions.

For some of us, stoicism is praised, and any strong emotion, one way or another, is a sign of weakness.

For others, anger is completely inappropriate, but tears are more accepted.

While others, the situation is flipped, and we’re much more comfortable showing our anger while sadness is a sign of vulnerabuliity and weakness.

We all grew up with – and are still surrounded by – such different messages around emotions. This can really impact how we experience them now; this is especially true if we try challenging those norms.

3. Fear of Perpetuity

When we’re new to allowing our emotions, I’ve also noticed there’s this lurking fear that if we allow ourselves to feel that emotion we keep pushing away, it will never go away.

Our brain is afraid that going into the feeling is a bit like stepping into quicksand; once you’re in, you might be stuck forever. The idea of getting lost in the intensity of an emotion can be paralyzing.

4. Unfamiliar Territory

Similarly, delving into our emotions can feel a bit like stepping into uncharted territory. We may have heard others talk about it, or we hear people like me talk about the concept on podcasts, but the actual experience is unfamiliar.

Without a roadmap or prior guidance, it’s easier to resist or avoid figuring out the process than actually navigating it.

5. Limited Emotional Education

That brings me to the fifth reason, which is the important fact that most of us were not taught how to handle emotions in a healthy way.

This is because our teachers, parents, and other adult figures weren’t taught how to do it either.

The education system rarely dedicates time to expanding our emotional intelligence, which leaves us to figure it out as adults. Not surprisingly, without proper tools, most of us default to what’s comfortable, which is avoiding the unfamiliar and sticking with what we know.

I see this present itself in three ways.

First: acting on the emotions by letting them bubble up and explode or acting in a way we didn’t want to.

Second: shoving down the emotions super deep, gritting our teeth, and telling ourselves and everyone else, “we’re fine.”

Third: (this one is really sneaky) a version of toxic positivity, where we know the “right thoughts” we “should think,” and we try and convince ourselves that everything is okay and we’re really quite happy. However, the truth is that those emotions are just simmering below the surface.

6. Fear of the Intensity

As I’ve mentioned, those of us with ADHD brains often experience our emotions at a heightened intensity.

Not surprisingly, if we’re not equipped with proper support to help us allow these emotions and move through them more gently, it can feel quite overwhelming, again making us hesitant to engage with these emotions at all.

7. All-or-nothing thinking

Many of our brains are quite prone to black-and-white thinking, and because of this, we often paint our emotions in extremes, too.

Feeling sad isn’t just a passing mood; it’s a torrential storm that will never end. This kind of thinking can make emotions seem insurmountable.

8. Should-ing on Ourselves

We carry a mental checklist of how we “should” feel…and that checklist rarely has any “negative” emotions whatsoever.

Instead, it’s limited to feelings like joy, gratitude, happiness, calm, content. And if we’re feeling anything other than those “positive” emotions, we’re convinced that something’s gone wrong, and we need to “fix” the situation. We need to do something about so we can feel better.

To quote one of my favorite descriptions of emotions, which I first heard from Krista St. Germain, who is a remarkable grief coach,

“Emotions are not a problem to be solved; they’re an experience to be had.” 

We don’t need to solve for negative emotions because they’re not a problem. They’re simply something to experience.

9. Shielding Against Vulnerability with Busy

Many of us experience a sense of vulnerability when we allow ourselves to open up and feel our emotions, and vulnerability itself is a rather intense emotion. To avoid this, many of us (often unknowingly) use busyness as a shield against feeling any of our feelings, including vulnerability.

This was absolutely my go-to for years and years because that whirlwind of activity was always available, often praised, and also provided boosts of dopamine as I anticipated the next project, due date, or deadline. It was this protective layer against the vulnerability and all the other emotions underneath.

10. Inaccurate Time Expectations

Finally, there also seems to be this general belief that making space for our emotions will take forever.

Whenever I tell someone that the next step in the process to move forward on this project or take the next step on the goal is to open up and actually move through some emotion. They say to me, “who has time for that?! It’s going to take forever!!”

We believe that allowing emotions will take hours and days of feeling miserable to even see a glimmer of hope on the other side. In a world obsessed with speed and quick fixes, this sounds terrible.

The truth is emotions operate on their own timeline.

What’s also true is that when we’re able to open up and allow those emotions to move through us, the actual experience of that emotion goes so much quicker. Plus, you start noticing the long-term impact of being able to shift into a much more comfortable emotional space more quickly overall.

This is because rather than spending days, weeks, months, and years, avoiding the emotions and shoving them down, you instead notice them, open up to them for 5-10 minutes, allow them to pass through, and then move forward.

Now, if it’s a big emotional experience, if you’re moving through grief, for example, these feelings will likely return. They’re like waves rolling onto shore. But rather than pushing them back with this dam, holding back at all costs until the dam breaks or overflows, you instead know how to allow the wave to crest, wash over you, and recede. It’s truly not a problem.

If you want to explore this work further, join us in We’re Busy Being Awesome where we not only learn the tools, but we apply them to our lives and as we work with our brains. 👉 Head to imbusybeingawesome.com/group to learn more and sign up.

Feeling These Emotions Can Be Tough

I realize this may sound absolutely impossible to some of you listening. Some of you might be completely skeptical.

Others may think this sounds like some squishy feelings stuff that has nothing to do with productivity and getting things done.

Some of you might feel confused because even though you’re open to the idea, you haven’t had the opportunity to start noticing and building awareness of your emotions yet.

Again, that’s okay. In fact, whatever way you’re responding to what I’ve shared so far is exactly right because the exercise we’re going to explore next is designed to meet you where you are.

As long as you’re open to the idea that learning to allow your emotions is worth your time, this exercise is for you.

What I’ve noticed: When we tend to feel big emotions in our real lives, our brain automatically thinks it’s a problem. So in response, we resist it, we avoid it, we distract ourselves with shopping, snacking, streaming, scrolling, anything to put up that barrier or buffer between you and the emotion. It distracts you from what’s actually happening in your body.

This is not something to beat yourself up over.

We’ve been conditioned by society at large to do this. Did you have a bad day? Let’s get ice cream. Celebrating a good day? Let’s get ice cream. Feeling down? There’s nothing a little retail therapy can’t fix. Celebrating a success? You deserve that new outfit! Seriously, it’s embedded everywhere.

Whenever we’re experiencing big feelings – often both “positive” and “negative” feelings, but especially the traditionally “negative” or uncomfortable feelings, we’re quick to resist, shove down, avoid, and escape feeling them as quickly as possible.

The Problem With Holding Back Our Feelings

Emotions don’t go away when we avoid them. This is why it is so important to learn how to allow them. They don’t go away until we do.

We may stop thinking about them for a bit, but the actual emotion, which is a literal vibration that occurs in your body when certain chemicals are released from the brain, is still waiting there to be felt.

Just think about the times when you have an argument with someone. Maybe the two of you have a surface-level apology after, but you don’t actually think they meant the apology. Or you don’t think they actually accepted your apology. So anytime you think about it, or you run into that person again, there’s still that low-level hum of annoyance, hurt, shame or sadness that comes up.

If you’re like me, those little missteps can build up on one another until, finally, one day, everything bubbles to the surface over a seemingly minor situation.

While it might be a small thing on the surface, it seems like SUCH a big deal because it’s one more experience layered on top of all these other smaller moments that weren’t acknowledged, felt, or moved through. And the latest small interaction was the last straw.

ADHD Emotional Disconnect: what can we do?

We’re going to talk about this next week. Before that, I encourage you to use the next seven days to build awareness around two things.

1. Notice the emotions that arise most for you throughout the day

You could even set a reminder to check in with yourself in the morning and mid-afternoon or at lunch and after dinner, etc. Start gathering some data about how you’re feeling most often.

2. Get curious of the 10 barriers you are most familiar with

Which experiences, stories, or beliefs stand out the most as reasons that keep you from slowing down and allowing the emotions rather than shoving them down and avoiding them.

As a reminder, those ten are:

1. Social Stigma – you’re worried about what others might think of you if you show your emotion
2. Cultural and Societal Messaging – you’ve learned that feeling your emotions means something about you
3. Fear of Perpetuity – that you’ll get stuck in the emotion
4. Unfamiliar Territory – you’ve never done it, and it’s easier to avoid the unfamiliar
5. Limited Emotional Education – you were never taught how to do it
6. Fear of the Intensity – we’re hesitant of feeling something so big
7. All-or-nothing thinking – we place our emotions in extremes, which can make them seem insurmountable.
8. Should-ing on Ourselves – if we’re feeling anything other than “positive” emotions, we’re convinced that something’s gone wrong, and we need to “fix” the situation.
9. Shielding Against Vulnerability with Busy – use busyness as a shield against feeling any of our
10. Inaccurate Time Expectations – a general belief that making space for our emotions will take forever.

Make note of the feelings that stand out most to you this week, and also get curious about which barriers from this list are most familiar to you.

Then make sure you’re following or subscribed to this podcast so you can check back next Monday for a powerful way to start learning how to allow and move through emotion in an accessible and approachable way that removes some of the overwhelm and unknown. I really think you’re going to love it.