ADHD & Doing Everything for Everyone

For years, I spent more energy trying to prevent other people’s disappointment by saying yes and doing more. And I did so at the expense of my own exhaustion and burnout. (Can you relate?)

Today, we’re talking about a specific flavor of ADHD overwhelm: the kind that builds when your compassion, your capability, and your rejection sensitivity all push you toward being the person who handles everything for everyone else. If you’ve ever wondered why you used to manage this fine and suddenly can’t, this episode names what changed and offers four steps to start shifting it.

Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app. Prefer to read? No problem. Keep scrolling for a summary of key takeaways.

In Episode 370, we’re exploring:

• Why compassion, capability, and rejection sensitivity combine to make you the “default” person everyone turns to
• The jar-of-sand explanation for why this pattern used to feel manageable and doesn’t anymore
• A 4-step way to notice the pattern, name the belief underneath it, and practice the pause before saying yes

Why We End Up Doing Everything for Everyone

This usually starts with the best of intentions. You care so much. You want to help. And you’re so capable. Honestly, you can usually see the fix almost as soon as the problem shows up, especially when it’s someone else’s, because you can see how everything fits together. Your brain probably offers up a familiar line: “I might as well do it, it’ll be so much faster if I just handle it myself.” So you add it to the list. You take it on.

Underneath that action is likely something else: you worry about how other people feel, because you’re a caring person, but worrying about someone else’s feelings often has a way of sliding into trying to control those feelings too. You don’t want anyone disappointed. You don’t want anyone upset, and given that many of us navigate the rejection sensitivity most of us navigate as well, we’re especially careful to make sure no one is upset or disappointed with us. So we say yes, we help, we do the thing, and we tell ourselves that doing so will keep everyone else from feeling disappointed, sad, or annoyed.

What’s more, because you’re so good at spotting problems before they happen and finding creative ways around them, people often come to you first. Your nonlinear thinking, your ability to read a room, your sheer determination, these come naturally, so you rise to the occasion again and again.

But in all of these situations, it’s often at the expense of your own capacity. Which is exhausting.

The Cost of Carrying It All

While you’re doing everything for everyone else, putting your own wants, needs, and desires aside again and again, you’re often left feeling disappointed and underappreciated yourself. Maybe even resentful, because the time, thoughtfulness, and capacity you extend to everyone else rarely comes back the same way.

This pattern doesn’t announce itself all at once. It builds. And it becomes the new norm long before we notice it’s happened.

Why This Feels Different Than It Used To

You’re probably wondering what changed. You might think to yourself, “I used to be able to handle all of this! I used to be able to take care of everyone without feeling so incredibly overwhelmed. What’s wrong with me?”

Here’s what I’ve found to be true: most of the time, we’re not comparing our past to our present fairly. Our roles have expanded. We keep adding more to the plate: helping more people, taking on more projects, saying yes to more requests. And each new commitment adds more demand.

As we add the next thing, and the next thing, and the next thing, one after another, it becomes our new norm. Then the next request comes in, and the brain says, “it’s just one more thing.” It offers up that same line almost without fail.

We raise the bar without realizing we’re doing it, and we’ve been doing it for years before we notice. But eventually, capacity taps out.

Think about filling a jar with sand, one grain at a time. Even then, there’s a point where the jar is full, and there isn’t room for one more grain.

Once we’re past full capacity, overwhelm takes the driver’s seat. We’re in reactive mode, putting out fires, saying yes out of habit, running on adrenaline until we wear ourselves out. When we finally get a moment to check in, we find we’re a version of ourselves running on fumes. We might dread the things we used to love, or feel less excited to see the people we care about most, because we know it means doing more.

Maybe your weekends are harder now because you’re the one who’s expected to host and entertain the whole time, but now you’re expected to do it with kids too. You have to be “on” all weekend, with no time to yourself. Or maybe you’re the go-to person at work. You could always get things done. But now you also took on the roles of people who have left the company or a colleague on extended sick leave, yet people keep coming to you for help.

The answer to “why can’t I handle this like I used to” is that you’re not comparing apples to apples. Your situation has changed, there are more things on your plate, and you’ve raised the expectations for yourself of what you “should” be able to handle each time, until the jar fills all the way up.

I have a hunch a lot of you listening recognize some version of this. And please hear me when I say your incredible talents, your caring nature, and your extreme capability are all strengths. I’m here celebrating you for all of it.

And also, I want to remind all of us, myself included, that our ADHD brains carry a few extra layers that can add some unintentional obstacles.

• Our impulsivity might have us saying yes before we’ve even checked our capacity.
• Our rejection sensitivity, paired with a fear of disappointing others, keeps us saying yes far more than we probably wanted to.

Together, they leave us feeling anxious, overcommitted, and deeply overwhelmed.

You probably don’t need me to tell you that so many of us hold expectations for ourselves that are far higher than we’d ever hold for anyone else. There’s little room for failure, for trying again, for anything short of excellent.

We build these perfectionist fantasies for how the dinner party should go, how the conference should unfold, how we should finish the to-do list with time left over for intentional rest and connection. When the bar is set at a standard that’s nearly impossible to reach (I’d argue completely impossible, since perfection isn’t real), overwhelm fuels the cycle again, and we land right back at that same familiar disappointment.

And what’s more, this often has us constantly hunting for new tools and strategies. The brain offers thoughts like, “I know I can do more, I know I can make this happen, it’s not that much more, I’m sure I can take this on too.”

We look for tools to increase our efficiency and squeeze out a little more productivity. And quite often, those tools we identified quickly become rules for the ADHD brain. Then all-or-nothing thinking comes online, and the brain tells us we’re doing it wrong or falling behind if we’re not using every tool consistently. So then we go looking for even more tools to help us be more consistent, which reinforces the whole cycle again.

When Your Strengths Work Against You

Here’s what I invite you to consider. Being talented and capable and thoughtful and loving and generous, these are remarkable strengths. I love them. And I’m so glad the world has you in it, and that you have these strengths to share.

And also, when these strengths get overused, they start holding us back. They turn into something closer to a weakness. When we carry everyone else’s needs ahead of our own, we burn out, and we lose the ability to sustain the caring, thoughtful part of ourselves that comes so naturally. This is often where the ADHD burnout cycle starts to take hold.

When we internalize other people’s emotions and decide we need to fix them, when we take that emotional intelligence, that awareness of how others are feeling, and turn it into trying to control everyone else’s emotions, we set ourselves up to fail. Controlling other people’s emotions isn’t actually possible. But we spend so much energy fighting that reality, trying to manage everyone around us, and in doing so, we end up blocking ourselves from experiencing our own emotions in the process.

Plus, when we step in too quickly, because we’re so good at spotting obstacles and finding solutions, we can end up preventing the people around us from building their own resourcefulness. We take away their chance to develop real confidence that they can figure things out, and instead, they learn to rely only on us.

And when we don’t let ourselves pause and consider whether we even want to take something on, we lose track of who we are. We get lost in everyone else’s needs, and we reinforce the exact behavior that keeps us in this role. People learn you’re the one who always says yes, so any time they need a favor or help or an idea, where do they go first? The person they know will say yes.

I know what some of you are thinking: Paula, you don’t get it. I have to do all of this. Everything would fall apart, or people would be so upset with me, if I stopped doing everything for everyone else.

I’ve been there too. I know it well. And I want to offer, gently, that the resistance to even considering a different way is often overwhelm talking. It’s the overwhelm itself that keeps us from slowing down long enough to consider an alternative.

Where to Start: A 4-Step Way to Stop Doing Everything for Everyone

Before any productivity tool or planning strategy enters the picture, the first thing is learning to catch these patterns in the moment and get curious about them. Notice when they show up, how they show up, and what’s underneath the yes or the “I’ll just do it myself.”

From there, we get to regulate ourselves in the moment, so the prefrontal cortex can come back online and we’re not reacting on autopilot. We want the part of the brain that makes intentional choices running the show, not the part that’s reacting out of habit.

This isn’t something we solve in one thirty-minute episode. It’s a process, and it takes practicing the reps: trying something, noticing what works and what doesn’t, adjusting, trying again. That’s how we learn our real capacity, and what we actually want to do, the full-body yes, instead of the yes that comes from guilt or obligation or a “should.”

And we can absolutely start the journey today. Here’s where I invite us to begin.

• Notice where this shows up for you. Where do caring, thoughtfulness, capability, and problem-solving tip into overdrive and shift from strengths into obstacles holding you back? Maybe it’s at work, on a particular project, with a teammate who doesn’t share your vision so you just take it on yourself. Maybe it’s with family, certain friendships, or your neighbor. Maybe it’s tied to specific situations: event planning, hosting, coordinating carpools and school activities, presentations at work where you’re the one carrying the load. Or maybe it’s tied to certain emotions, situations where you try to prevent anyone from feeling sad or disappointed or frustrated, at your own expense.
  
• Identify the pattern. What does the loop actually look like? Here’s a familiar shape I often hear from clients: your plans change, and you’re sure your kids (or your team, or your friend) will be disappointed. Your brain says, “I can fix this,” and you step in before checking your own capacity. This “I can fix it” energy happens often enough that people get used to you stepping in, and you become the default. Being the default is exhausting, even when you don’t mind fixing or problem-solving when others share the load. It can also carry resentment, because it’s rarely reciprocated. Or you might feel unseen and unappreciated because no one notices how much effort you’ve put in and what it costs you. This is just one shape. I invite you to start noticing yours, with curiosity and without judgment. These are patterns we learned, and they came from a good place. We want to help. We care. And also, these patterns just aren’t working so well anymore. The good news is that patterns can shift.
  
• Explore the belief underneath it. What is your brain offering you in the moment you say yes past your capacity? Maybe it’s, “if I can help, I should help.” Maybe it’s, “if someone’s disappointed, I did something wrong.” Maybe it’s, “if I say no, I’m being selfish.” Or, “if I rest now, I’ll neglect something important.” Or, “if I’m direct, people will think I’m harsh.” Or perhaps it’s the one my brain loves to offer: “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” Naming these beliefs is powerful. It helps us anticipate when the pattern might happen again and prepare for it, and it helps us catch those overcommitting moments while they’re happening, so we can pause before saying yes.
  
• Practice the pause. Once you notice the pull, whether it’s someone else asking for your help or your own brain volunteering you for something, this is the moment to pause. If someone else is involved, you might use a go-to phrase, something we talked about in episode 366 on overpromising: “Let me check my calendar, and I’ll get back to you.” That buys your brain a little room before you answer. If it’s just you, that internal pull to volunteer because you’re the one who can do it fastest, ask yourself one simple question: does this also work for me?

Overwhelm happens when the nervous system gets flooded: too many tasks, too much sensory input, too many commitments and moving pieces. The first steps toward easing it are slowing down enough to see what’s happening, naming the pattern, and giving the nervous system a little room to settle so the prefrontal cortex can come back online. From that grounded place, we get to make an informed decision instead of an impulsive one.

If you only take one thing from this post, let it be this: the next time you feel that familiar pull to take over, or someone asks for your help, or your own brain volunteers you before you’ve even thought it through, try practicing the pause in that moment and ask yourself: does this also work for me? Start there, and let the rest build from that single moment of noticing.

The Overwhelm to Action Intensive

If you want to go further with this work, learning to regulate your overwhelm and make confident, intentional, sustainable decisions about what’s on your plate (what to remove, delegate, or share), starting in October I’ll be running a live experience of my course Overwhelm to Action. I’m calling it the Overwhelm to Action Intensive.

Over eight weeks, we’ll meet biweekly as a group on Zoom for coaching, questions, and strategy, working through the Overwhelm to Action material together and putting it into practice in real time. There’s a private community for in-between calls too, for connection, brainstorming, and accountability.

This is the first time I’ve run the experience live, and I think it’s going to be impactful, and honestly, pretty fun. My goal is that starting in October, you’ll have two full months to learn and implement strategies to navigate overwhelm, right before the holiday season ramps up. The Intensive wraps the week before Thanksgiving.

If you want to join us, you can do so here. Signing up gives you access to the self-paced course right away, so you can start exploring the material early if you’d like. We kick things off with a bonus call the first week of October, followed by bi-weekly sessions through November 19.

If you’ve already purchased Overwhelm to Action, check your inbox. There’s a special offer in there for joining the live Intensive.

Wrapping Up

The next time you feel that pull to take on one more thing for someone else, you don’t have to solve it all in one moment. Notice where the pattern shows up, identify its shape, name the belief driving it, and practice the pause: does this also work for me? That question alone can start to shift the whole cycle.

If this post resonated with you, share it with one person in your life who also tends to take on too much for everyone else. Send it to them in a text and just say, “I was thinking of you and thought you might like this.”

Resources From This Episode:

• Episode 366: Overpromising and ADHD
• The Overwhelm to Action Intensive

Work With Me:

• Learn more about private coaching here
• Join We’re Busy Being Awesome (group coaching)
• Enroll in Overwhelm to Action – step by step course for ADHD Brains

More ADHD Resources:

• Discover Your ADHD Overwhelm Type – Free Quiz!
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Podcast Roadmap
• Free course: ADHD Routine Revamp
• Learn my Top 10 Tips to Work With Your ADHD Brain
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources
• Access the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System

Paula’s Favorite Resources

• Stay focused with brain.fm and get a 30-day free trial. Personalized music, backed by science, designed to help you get and stay in the zone.
• Speechify: my go-to text-to-speech app. One-month free trial plus $60 off a premium subscription if you decide to keep it.
• Todoist: my favorite task manager. Simple, easy to use, and incredible integration with other platforms. Get two months of premium free. No credit card required.
• Wispr Flow: The best tool for talk-to-text. Awesome for verbal processing and saving time. Free trial, no credit card required.

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