How to Finally Prioritize Your Relationships with ADHD

Our relationships have a big impact on our productivity. When we’re distracted by what’s happening in our relationships, it’s really hard to focus on our work. That’s been me SO many times. So when we improve our relationships, we improve our productivity too.

That gold nugget came from my dear friend Kristen Carder, right after we stopped recording our conversation about her new book, You’re Not in Trouble: The ADHD Guide to Building Healthy, Connected Relationships. We usually focus on mindset and strategy for sustainable productivity here, and this conversation brings that same lens to the people in our lives. In this post, we’ll look at how to prioritize relationships with ADHD using Kristen’s Discernment Questions and Relationship Tiers, plus the gray rock method for the people who aren’t safe for us.

Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app. Prefer to read? No problem. Keep scrolling for a summary of key takeaways.

In this bonus episode, we’re exploring:

• Why Kristen chose relationships as the focus of her first book, and the story behind the title You’re Not in Trouble
• Ten Discernment Questions to help you decide how much of yourself to give each person in your life
• Kristen’s four Relationship Tiers, plus the gray rock method for the people who’ve been voted off the island
• Where to start when you’re stretched thin across a lot of relationships

Meet Kristen Carder

Chances are you already know Kristen from her podcast, I Have ADHD. Kristen is a multi-certified coach who has supported thousands of ADHDers worldwide and the founder of FOCUSED, a global coaching program for adults with ADHD. Her work specializes in trauma-informed, evidence-based approaches to executive functioning, emotional regulation, and healthy relationships. She lives outside Philadelphia with her husband and her three sons.

We recorded this conversation a week before the book came out, and Kristen was ready. “We’ve been in anticipation mode for years now,” she said. “There was a time when I was nervous… And now I just feel very ready to get it into people’s hands. Like, let’s go. It’s just time.”

Why Kristen Wrote About ADHD and Relationships

A couple of years ago, when Kristen and I were in Mexico, she was in the early stages of the book and already knew it would be about relationships. So I asked her: of all the ADHD topics she could have chosen, why relationships?

“We have so many great ADHD books out there, and most of them to this point have focused on understanding ADHD, bringing awareness around ADHD, and that’s been very, very necessary,” Kristen said. “Then we have this other segment of books on productivity, also extremely necessary.”

“But what I’ve noticed in myself and my clients is that our biggest pain point is actually relationships.” Once she had triaged the sinking ship of her life, plugged up the holes, and figured out what she needed as far as medication was concerned, relationships were the pain point that came up the most. “The relationship that we have with ourselves and other people really determines the experience that we have in our lives. And so when my relationships are not in a good place, or when I don’t have a great relationship with me, I don’t really have very much fun in my life. And I like to have fun.”

She named what holds so many of us back: “Rejection sensitivity and the lack of self-trust and the just always feeling wobbly and insecure… I just want to feel grounded and secure, and able to show up as a grown human in my life.”

Where the Title “You’re Not in Trouble” Came From

Kristen likes to joke that titling this book was harder than naming any of her three children. The publisher had a title they loved, and Kristen knew it wasn’t right. “It’s a nice name, but that’s not my baby’s name.”

The answer came during a WhatsApp conversation with her agent, who asked how readers currently feel and how she wanted them to feel. “I said, adults with ADHD feel like they’re always in trouble… And she texted as I was typing, ‘you’re not in trouble.’ And it was just like, oh my God, that is it. And it felt like such an exhale.”

I can feel that exhale too. I invite you to sit with it for a moment. You’re not in trouble. You’re okay. How often do we wish we would have heard that throughout our lives?

The Chapters Kristen Found Hardest and Most Exciting to Write

The book covers five kinds of relationships: friendships, work, partners, parenting, and family of origin. Part one looks at our own internal relationships, and part two looks at how we work them out in our real lives.

The hardest chapter for Kristen was the one on being good enough at work relationships. She has been an entrepreneur for her entire working life, and she wanted the chapter to apply to everyone, whether you work in corporate, in education, or as a landscaper. That meant relying on outside sources.

The one she was most excited to write was about how to be a good enough parent. “I was writing it to my past self, all of the things that I wish I knew about parenting.” I’m not a parent, and I still felt that chapter. Reading it can be a kind of reparenting, a way of reconnecting with a younger version of yourself.

Why Prioritization Matters for ADHD Relationships

On this podcast we talk about priorities a lot, usually with projects, tasks, and to-do lists. (If you want more on that, these two prioritization matrices are a great place to start.) Kristen’s book applies priorities to relationships, and I wanted to know what that even means.

“A lot of us with ADHD just kind of apply prioritization to tasks and productivity only, not realizing that it truly affects our relationships as well,” she said. She asked listeners how many of us have heard a partner or best friend say something like, “I feel like you’re spending so much time with this girl you just met, and I’m not getting any of your time anymore.”

“If we haven’t identified clearly what relationships we want to prioritize, our attention, which is our most treasured resource, is going to be scattered.”

Kristen admitted it’s uncomfortable to say some people matter more than others. “But actually, that’s the foundation of this chapter. Some people do matter in your life more than others. If you can’t say that your partner matters more than like a grocery store clerk, then we got some work to do, right?”

A lot of neurodivergent folks believe that to be authentic and a good person, we have to be the same in all of our relationships. Kristen calls that “the surest way to get burnt out, because I cannot give all of myself to everyone.”

From All the People to No People

Reading this chapter brought back my own mean girl story. In sixth grade, I went to sit down at the lunch table with my friends, and they told me I couldn’t sit there. I started crying, because I cry over everything, and one of the girls said, “Oh my God, Paula, you don’t have to just cry about it.” So I cried harder, and went and sat alone and ate my sandwich.

From there on, I didn’t want anyone to feel that way. I wanted to make sure I treated everyone with attention and love and helped them feel wanted and included. Then I got to grad school and academia, and I was so overwhelmed and had so little capacity that I swung to the far side of the pendulum. I didn’t let anybody in except my family and my soul dog at the time, Bruno.

What I’ve learned from Kristen over the years is that there’s actually a healthy middle.

“Because of so many rejection experiences that we’ve had, we really don’t want anyone else to feel that way,” Kristen said. “It might be, it’s mean if I don’t give my full self to everyone. And then, of course, like you said, if I have to give my full self to everyone and I don’t have the capacity to do that, then I’m just not going to give myself to anybody.” She called that swing between all or nothing “black and white thinking personified in our relationships.” (For more on how ADHD people pleasing shows up, episode 329 digs into why we say yes to everything.)

Start with the Discernment Questions

Before we sort anyone into a tier, Kristen starts with discernment. Between coworkers, family members, community people, our kids’ school, and sports parents, many of us are interacting with 20, 30, 40, or 50 people. Here are the questions she asks about each person:

• Do their actions match their words?
• Are they consistently kind?
• Do they accept me for who I am?
• Are they reasonably loyal to me?
• Does my body feel safe and relaxed when I’m around them?
• Do I respect their values?
• Does this relationship have an equal enough give and take?
• Can I disagree with them without fearing punishment or attack?
• Can I set reasonable limits without losing the relationship?
• Have I spent enough time with them to answer these questions?

Dopamine Is Not Data

That last question is key for ADHD brains. Kristen has a whole section on this idea: dopamine is not data. “Just because we feel good around them… doesn’t mean that they are safe and that we want to give our all to them. So first, we have to give them enough time to show us who they are.”

The Four Relationship Tiers

Once you’ve worked through the Discernment Questions, Kristen’s Relationship Tiers help you decide how much of yourself to give each person.

Tier 1: Your Safest People

• One to five people. These are the people you can answer yes to most or all of the Discernment Questions for. “If you have five people that you can answer yes to all of those discernment questions to, you are so blessed slash lucky slash that is my dream.” Kristen’s Tier 1 is her husband, her sister, and her best friend. “These are the people that I’m going to call crying if I need to. These are the people that I’m going to tell my deepest, darkest stuff to.”

Tier 2: Your Camaraderie People

• Around five to fifteen people. A more casual group, and still very important. For Kristen, that’s two couples she and her husband have gotten close with through her son’s water polo team. “Would I call them and share my deepest, darkest? No. Would I call them crying? No. But they still matter to me… It just means you know how much of yourself to give.”

Tier 3: Pretty Much Everyone Else

• Friendly, kind, and not obligated. People at school drop off, most of the people at church, someone you bump into on the train. “When I see you, I’m kind. When you see me, you’re kind. It’s great.” If someone in Tier 3 shares that they’re having a terrible day, Kristen can say she’s sorry and chit chat a little, and then they part ways. “It’s just so nice to know how much of myself do I have to give.”

Tier 4: Voted Off the Island

• The super secret tier. These are the people where most of the answers to the Discernment Questions are no. Kristen even draws Tier 4 disconnected from the rest. Sometimes you still have to interact with Tier 4 people, like a boss, an ex you co-parent with, or someone at your sports complex. “When you know in your mind, this person is tier four, then you can withhold what is yours to withhold. You’re allowed to not be the same with every person in your life.”

One important note: the tiers are for mutual relationships, where the power dynamic is equal, like friends, siblings, and colleagues on the same level. Your kids and your parents don’t go in a tier. “A parent will always have more power than a child, always, even adult parents of adult children,” Kristen explained. That’s healthy, and it’s why those relationships get their own chapters in the book.

The Gray Rock Method for Tier 4

Kristen didn’t create the gray rock method, and it’s perfect for Tier 4. “It’s a strategy for disengaging from emotionally toxic people and interactions.” You might still need to be in the same room, but you’re emotionally disengaging, and “truly it’s just being as boring as a gray rock.”

“What do we know about unhealthy people? They’re going to want the tea. They’re going to want to get riled up. They’re going to want to bait you into conversation and bait you into sharing more than you’re comfortable sharing.”

Here’s what that can look like with a boss you’ve identified as unsafe:

• “Hey, how was your weekend?” “Great.”
• “What were you up to?” “I just rested.”
• “You seem a little off. Is everything okay?” “I’m doing great. Is there anything you need for the work we have?”

“Eventually, these types of people usually realize I’m getting nothing here. This is boring. This is not serving me.”

What I love about her example is that there was no follow-up. We’re often conditioned to say, “And you?” With the gray rock method, it’s “It was fine,” period. Door closed.

Kristen shared that she has felt responsible for carrying conversations, asking follow-up questions, and keeping things going. “A huge part of the gray rock method is actually just letting the conversation fizzle, on purpose.” It might feel uncomfortable at first. That’s okay. You’re still showing up kind, and you’re ending the conversation by answering with one sentence.

Why Tier 3 Can Feel the Most Slippery

Tier 3 can feel the trickiest, because these are lovely people. Nobody’s yelled at you or done anything wrong. They’re just in Tier 3.

Kristen used to start conversations anywhere and ask people a million questions, without realizing what it cost her. As a coach and a mom, she gives so much in her work and at home that she has less to spare now. A couple of weeks before we recorded, a man in a waiting room was trying to chit chat with her. “I’m here to just relax. And I just don’t want to hear about your record collection… There’s nothing wrong with him. He was wonderful and nice and kind.”

She was clear that this is a personal decision. If you work in IT and deal with computers all day, chit chatting with someone new might be really fun for you. “I think that everyone needs to kind of do a check-in on like, how much extra bandwidth do I have to spend? And if you have it in the bank, spend it. But if you don’t, be really like a conservationist… So don’t spend it on the guy in the waiting room and then not have it to give to your kids when you get home.”

Check In: Do You Feel More Open or More Closed?

When I’m working with clients on whether a strategy or a schedule works for them, I like to have them check in and ask how they feel afterward. Do I feel more open or more closed? More energized or drained? Where is my body at, somatically? That could be a really helpful check-in after a bunch of Tier 3 exchanges, too.

Kristen added that we don’t usually know we’ve crossed a boundary with ourselves until we’ve done it. “There doesn’t need to be any shame there… That’s just knowledge. That’s just data that you can then use for next time.”

It’s the same approach we take when we’re creating a schedule. We try it, gather the data, notice whether we’re depleted, and adjust for next time. You’re winning, you’re learning, and the same can be true with relationships.

Where to Start When You’re Stretched Thin

If you’ve realized you’re giving everyone all of you, it’s tempting to try to sort every relationship at once. Kristen suggests starting with the Discernment Questions and the outside edges: Tier 1 and Tier 4.

“Can I start to kind of identify the really squeaky wheels in both directions?” On one end, the people where you’re answering yes to just about every question. On the other, the people where you’re answering no to all of them. “Usually when someone is super, super healthy or super, super safe for us, it’s pretty obvious… On the flip side of that, usually when someone is pretty, pretty unhealthy, pretty, pretty unsafe… it’s pretty obvious.” Tiers 2 and 3 might take a little more time.

And if your Tier 1 is tiny, that’s okay. Mine has two people in it. Kristen sees this often when she teaches the tiers in FOCUSED. “It is never too late to start finding new people and building better relationships and becoming more connected with yourself first, and then other people in your life. So if tier one is small or nearly non-existent, don’t panic.”

You’re Not in Trouble

When I asked Kristen what she hopes listeners take away, here’s what she said:

“They are not always the problem in their relationships, and they don’t have to have a personality transplant in order to have a great relationship. You don’t have to get rid of your ADHD or your autism or your dyslexia in order to have great relationships. You can navigate this world as a neurodivergent human and still have beautifully healthy, connected relationships. And you’re not in trouble. Adults don’t get in trouble unless you break the law. Did anyone break the law today? No? Great. You’re not in trouble.”

If you’d like to keep exploring this, episode 343 on ADHD in relationships is a great next listen. And I invite you to try one small step this week: pick up the Discernment Questions and see who comes to mind at the outside edges.

Resources From This Episode:

• Get Kristen’s book, You’re Not in Trouble: The ADHD Guide to Building Healthy, Connected Relationships
• Connect with Kristen at ihaveadhd.com

More ADHD Resources:

• Discover Your ADHD Overwhelm Type – Free Quiz!
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Podcast Roadmap
• Free course: ADHD Routine Revamp
• Learn my Top 10 Tips to Work With Your ADHD Brain
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources
• Access the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System

Paula’s Favorite Tools

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