How To Practice Self-Compassion When Things are Hard

We’ve all been there—life starts piling up, stress kicks in, and we catch ourselves thinking, “If I just push a little harder, I’ll finally catch up.” But what if working harder is not the answer? What if slowing down and practicing self-compassion is actually the most powerful move you can make? 

In episode 274 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast, we’re exploring:

• How to recognize when you’re past capacity.
• Why “pushing through” can backfire and the solution is found in “softening.” 
• Simple, actionable strategies to reset and recharge when you need it most.

If you’ve been teetering on the edge of burnout, this episode is for you. Let’s dive in.

You can listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.

Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for a summary of the key takeaways.

Episode 274: How To Practice Self-Compassion When Things Are Hard (Transcript)

Today—in a convenient turn of events that I’m just realizing as I map out this episode—we are exploring a topic that expands on what we covered the last two weeks about when to lean in and let things be hard.

In episodes 272 and 273, we talked about what to do when we simply don’t have the motivation to do the thing—when we don’t feel like it—and the supports we can put in place to feel the uncomfortable emotions and make things happen anyway.

Now, toward the beginning of that 2-part series, I highlighted a critical distinction between capacity and discomfort. There are times when we feel resistance to being in the discomfort of growth. We try to avoid the toddler tantrum in our brains. We’re in that “I don’t want to” energy, and we resist doing the thing. 

Our brain comes up with all these compelling reasons why we should skip it. When—in reality—the best thing we can do for ourselves is to put in supports for our brain and help ourselves take action.

But then there are other times when our executive functions just don’t show up to work.

These are the situations when we’re exhausted—whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or all of the above. And it’s in those moments when we’re talking about capacity and learning how to honor the rest your mind and body need.

Today, we’re focusing on that latter situation—when we simply don’t have energy left in the tank.

Because we’ve all been there, right? Something happens. Things start piling up, stress kicks in, and if we’re not careful, we might find ourselves pushing even harder to try and keep up.

We think to ourselves, “I just need to work harder.” “I just need to do a little more.” “I’m almost done—then I can rest.”

Today, as we think about the other side of the coin when our batteries are truly depleted, I want to offer that the opposite approach of slowing down to honor your capacity is actually more powerful than leaning in.

And the art is in knowing the difference between the two scenarios for yourself.

To help you identify this distinction for yourself, in today’s episode, we’re diving into a powerful mindset shift: When things are hard and you’re past your capacity, the answer practicing your softening skills with self-compassion.

We’ll unpack what that means, why it’s so important, and—of course—I’ll share some actionable strategies to start applying this approach in your life today.

My Inspiration for This Episode: A Personal Example

Before we jump into those strategies, I’ll first share a little bit about what inspired this episode.

I was away for the weekend, and if you know me, you know I usually need two full days to transition back into my regular routine. The first day, I usually feel completely untethered and spacy. The second day, I lean more into my routine. And by the third day, I’m back to feeling grounded and locked in.

Well, this time, I didn’t have that. Because of a weird scheduling thing, I had no transition days at all. In fact, I got back on a Monday at 12:00 and had a call with my coach at 1:00. And on top of all that, I didn’t sleep well when I was away.

And for Paula Engebretson, no transition time and very little sleep is not a great combo for clear executive functioning.

So, I came back home, I had my call, and then—technically—Monday is podcast day, which means I was supposed to sit down and record an episode. Let me tell you, it felt hard. I had this more in-depth, complex topic I’d been thinking through for a while, but my brain was just not having it.

Instead of pushing through that discomfort, which would be my usual “goto approach,” I decided to soften. I gave myself permission to wait a day and I allowed myself to pivot on the topic. 

In fact, as I just mentioned, I decided to use this exact experience I’m in right now as the inspiration for today’s episode. Because I knew I wanted to record an episode, but I also knew I would not feel good if I pushed myself to do the more process-oriented episode I had in mind – not to mention it likely would not be as clear for all of you, either.

Sometimes, softening and self-compassion isn’t just about being kind to ourselves; it’s also about making smart, thoughtful decisions that help us pivot plans when necessary so we can do the things we want to do without burning out.

Why We Tend to Push Harder When Things Get Tough

Now, let’s talk about why we tend to push harder when things start to feel hard.

I mean, how many times have we told ourselves, “I just need to power through this” or “If I can just get this done, I’ll be fine”?

For a lot of us—especially those of us with ADHD—it can seem like we’re always behind. We’re always playing “catch up.” As one of my clients describes it, needing to “clear the decks.” And since we’re often in this belief of being behind, we also think doubling down is the solution.

But the problem with pushing harder when we’re already past our capacity is that it often leads to burnout, frustration, and let’s be real: often a whole lot of avoidance. We don’t actually finish the task because the demand is too great, and we simply don’t have the capacity.

Here’s the reality: being hard on ourselves doesn’t make the hard things easier. If anything, it makes them more difficult to tackle.

Being hard on ourselves – and forcing ourselves to push through – often makes things harder overall.

So today, I want to challenge that belief and explore what it looks like to soften when we’re past our capacity to move forward.

What Does “Softening” Actually Mean?

So, what do I mean when I say “soften”?

First off, let’s clear something up—softening doesn’t mean weakness or giving up. It means being compassionate, understanding, and kind to ourselves. It means checking in and giving yourself the support you need.

When things get hard, it’s often a sign that we need support, and that support can come from many different places—including ourselves.

So, with that in mind, softening and self-compassion might look like…

• Giving yourself permission to take a break.
• Adjusting your expectations for what needs to be done right now.
• Taking a different approach to the situation entirely.

It’s about recognizing that sometimes, the pressure we put on ourselves is the very thing making the task feel impossible.

So instead of tightening the screws and making life harder, what would happen if we loosened up a bit?

What if we allowed ourselves to take a gentler approach?

The Science Behind Why Self-Compassion Works

Now, let’s talk about why this approach works from a brain perspective.

When we’re stressed or overwhelmed, our brain shifts into survival mode, also known as the fight, flight, or freeze response. This is the brain’s way of protecting us when it perceives a threat—whether that’s a looming deadline, a packed schedule, or a neverending, deadline-driven to-do list.

The problem is, when we’re in this survival mode, the part of our brain responsible for higher-level thinking—the prefrontal cortex—essentially goes offline.

We lose access to the part of the brain that helps us think clearly, make decisions, problem-solve, and manage our emotions. So instead of being able to logically assess the situation and break things down, we get stuck in a cycle of stress, where everything feels impossible.

The more we push ourselves in this state, the more entrenched we become in that stress response. It’s like trying to drive through quicksand—the harder we press the gas, the deeper we sink.

Here’s where softening and self-compassion comes in. When we allow ourselves to rest, adjust our expectations, or even take a short break, we’re signaling to our brain that there is no immediate threat. We give the nervous system a chance to calm down.

When our brain feels safe, the prefrontal cortex—the part of our brain that handles executive functions—comes back online. This is where our ability to make decisions, tap into creativity, and solve problems lives.

By practicing self-compassion we’re:

• Being kind to ourselves
• Resetting our brain to work with us instead of against us
• Thinking more clearly
• Planning more effectively
• Tackling our tasks with a lot more ease

In short, softening when we’re past capacity doesn’t just feel better—it makes us more capable of doing the things we want to do, because we’re operating from a place of calm and focus rather than stress and overwhelm.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Okay, so let’s dive into how we can start applying this idea of being soft with ourselves. Here are a few strategies you can try today.

1. Notice the Signs of Stress

The first step is recognizing when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

• Is your body tense?
• Are your thoughts racing?
• Do you feel like you should be doing more, even when you’re running on empty?

These are all signs that it’s time to soften.

Alternatively, instead of focusing on mental or physical signs of stress alone, you can also tune in to your energy levels and motivation. What do you notice?

Strategy: Set a reminder on your phone, or do a quick body scan a few times a day. Check in with yourself and notice how you’re feeling physically and mentally.

Track your energy fluctuations throughout the day.

Use a simple rating system (like 1-10) to quickly note how energized or depleted you feel at different times.

If you notice a significant dip in your energy, that’s your cue to soften and recalibrate. You can use a notebook, an app – I use one called dailyo – or even voice memos to check-in.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Pause

While your brain might tell you that taking a break is unwarranted or lazy, I encourage you to check that belief and question it.

How might it be true that intentionally pausing to take a break is actually a smart move to recharge and reset so you can show up and do your best work?

Can you find evidence of where that’s been true in your past? I bet you can!

Strategy: What might it look like to build in a few breaks throughout the day to practice softening? Use that time to check in with yourself, take a deep breath, and reset

You could incorporate these mico breaks when you switch tasks, between emails, or right before a meeting. The idea is to give yourself frequent mini-resets to reduce tension before it builds up.

And similarly, if you find you need a larger pause – what might that look like?

Do you need to take the afternoon off?

Do you want to call up your sister and see if she can take the kids for dinner because your wife is out of town for work and if you hear “moooooom!” one more time, your brain might melt from your head. 

When things are hard – when you’re solo parenting, or you’ve been pulling late nights, or you haven’t had the transition time you need, or you’re in the luteal phase of your cycle – what would it look like to soften in either the micro or the macro? (or both)

3. Adjust Your Expectations

Sometimes the hard part isn’t the task itself, but the expectations we place on how it should be done.

This was me with the podcast. I needed to soften my expectations.

• What if I recorded the episode on Tuesday instead of Monday?
• What if I shifted gears and chose a topic that feels front and center and very relevant right now and approached the process-oriented episode a little bit later?

Strategy: So ask yourself, “What would easy look like?” or “What’s the simplest version of this task?” “What is the point of this task? Can I focus on that and cut away the rest?” Give yourself permission to do B or B-minus work. 

Or perhaps you reframe your objective with a focus on progress over completion.

Ask yourself, “What’s one small action I can take today that moves me closer to the goal?” Instead of thinking about completing the task perfectly, aim for taking the first step, knowing that you’re honoring your capacity, and as your energy and clarity return, you can absolutely do more.

4. Talk to Yourself Like a Friend

If you’re feeling stuck and you can’t identify how to adjust your expectations or incorporate breaks, a powerful way to sneak in through the side door is imagining your best friend coming to you in the same situation. They’re feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and beyond capacity.

• What would you offer them?
• What suggestions would you give them?

Chances are, that’s the exact thing you need, too. 

5. Celebrate Small Wins

Building on this, the last step I’ll mention today as we soften toward ourselves and our situation is to recognize our wins. This is a theme you will hear about in all of my work, including our exploration of the exact opposite topic last week.

It is so important to recognize your wins and your progress at all times.

Doing so allows us to build momentum, start rewiring our neural pathways to recognize our growth and recognize our progress and stay connected to a growth-oriented mindset, all of which are elements in maintaining forward momentum, especially when things feel challenging.

Strategy: At the end of each day, take a moment to reflect on three small wins. No matter how minor they seem, celebrate them!  Recognize them. Allow yourself to feel proud.

You can check out my account your wings Journal through the link in the show notes if you want some guided support on this practice. 

However you do it, just know that recognizing and celebrating your wins is a powerful component in helping you shift your focus from what didn’t get done to what did accomplish,  which fuels the momentum forward even further once you’ve fully recharged your batteries.

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Tips To Apply Kindness & Self-Compassion in Your Everyday Life

So, how can we start weaving this softness into our everyday routines?

The key is recognizing that softening is a practice, not something that happens overnight. It might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself or if you’ve built the habit of constantly pushing through. But the more we practice softening, the more natural it becomes.

The beauty of softening is that it can show up in many different ways depending on what your day looks like, where your energy is, and what your needs are.

Start small:

Maybe today, it’s giving yourself permission to take a 5-minute break when you feel overwhelmed.

That break might not seem groundbreaking at first, but it’s the start of learning to notice your nervous system when it’s past capacity while shifting your mindset toward giving yourself what you need when you need it. 

Tune into your body and energy levels:

When you start practicing softening, you become more attuned to your body’s signals.

You’ll start recognizing when you’re feeling that stress or tension and when it’s time to take action to recalibrate. You’ll begin to notice dips in energy and see them as cues to pause, reset, and recharge.

Incorporate softening into transitions:

Softening can also be woven into transitions between tasks.

For example, after finishing one project and before jumping into the next, take a moment to pause.

• Do a quick body scan.
• Take a deep breath
• Perhaps take a brief walk to reset your focus.

These small, mindful moments can make a huge difference in your day.

Give yourself grace when things don’t go as planned:

Part of the practice of softening is learning to let go of perfection and rigidity.

Some days, despite your best intentions, things won’t go the way you expected.

Maybe your energy is lower than planned, or you didn’t accomplish everything on your list. OR your brain wants to use this episode against yourself and you start beating yourself up for beating yourself up and not remembering to soften. Nope – no thank you. 

In those moments, instead of getting frustrated or beating yourself up, take a beat.

Recognize that this is part of the process and give yourself permission to pivot, adjust, or take things at a slower pace.

Final Thoughts

So as we wrap up today, I want you to repeat the reminder that I’ve been leaning on the last few days.

When things feel hard and you’re past your capacity, it’s not a sign to push yourself harder. It’s an opportunity to soften. It’s time to practice self-compassion.

When we create the space we need to rest, adjust, and breathe, we come back more focused and ready to do the things we truly want to do each day. 

All right, my friends, that’s going to do it for us this week.

👉 Want to take this work further? If you want support in both coaching your brain through leaning into the discomfort as well as actionable strategies, frameworks, and supports we can put in place to smooth out some of the friction taking action and following through, let’s talk. Learn more about how we can work together with my small group coaching program, “We’re Busy Being Awesome,” and one-on-one coaching.

⭐ Also, if you want to learn my simple step-by-step approach to locking in a routine and making it stick, be sure to check out my free course, the ADHD Routine Revamp training to help you…It’s designed to help you lock in a routine and make it stick.

I’ll talk with you soon.

Links From The Podcast

• Learn more about both 1:1 and small group coaching with Paula here 
• Get the top 10 tips to work with your ADHD brain (free ebook!)
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources here
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System here
• Get the Podcast Roadmap here
• Get the ADHD Routine Revamp here

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