Why Am I Avoiding Everything, Especially The Hard Things?

How often do you find yourself avoiding everything, especially that hard thing you want to accomplish? It feels like being stuck between the push-pull of “I know I should do this…” and “Ugh, I really don’t want to”. This is one of the most common challenges I explore with clients as we learn to work with our ADHD brains. 

Whether it’s finishing a work project, scheduling an appointment, or tidying up the kitchen, we all know this resistance too well. But here’s a surprising— and super annoying truth:

While avoiding the task feels like relief in the moment, it usually makes the entire process more difficult. Sure, there’s a brief moment of relief when we say, “I’ll do it tomorrow,” but ultimately, we compound the discomfort. However, each day the task lingers, we add to the sense of dread.

It takes up more valuable mental space as the thoughts creep in: 

• What will they think about my late response? 
• Are they annoyed with me? 
• When will I even have time to handle this? 

With every delay, the layers of anxiety build, turning a small task—like sending an email, responding to a text, or making a quick phone call—into a massive, overwhelming mountain.

Here’s the kicker: the task itself hasn’t changed – it’s still the same email, same text message, same phone call. However, the longer we put it off, the heavier it seems.

Look, I get it. I fall into this trap, too.

That’s why we’re exploring the pattern from multiple angles in episodes 272 and 273 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast. When you tune in, you’ll discover:

• Why we face this resistance of avoiding things and how to break the cycle (also known as avoidance coping)
• The difference between capacity—when you genuinely need rest—and resisting discomfort
• How to identify and choose the discomfort that moves you forward, out of the loop that keeps you stuck 

Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

You can listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.

Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for a summary of the key takeaways.

Episode 272: Why Am I Avoiding Everything, Especially The Hard Things? (Transcript)

Here’s today’s big question…

When’s the last time you found yourself in that stuck, frustrated space where you know there’s something you need to do, but no matter what, you just can’t seem to get started? 

You feel the weight of this thing hanging over you, and every time you think about it, there’s this wave of resistance that washes over you. And let’s be honest—that resistance? It’s uncomfortable. We all know it so well.

But here’s what’s also true: Avoiding the task doesn’t really solve the problem either. Because even though we’re not doing it, we’re still stuck in this discomfort of knowing it’s sitting there, waiting for us to do it.

In other words, on one hand, doing the task feels hard. But on the other hand, not doing the task also feels hard. And the truth is, we get to choose our discomfort. 

That’s what we’re talking about today. Which challenge do you want to take? If you’re going to feel restless, frustrated, or confused either way, which challenge do you want to take? And while the answer may seem intellectually obvious “duh, the one that moves me forward.” the actual answer isn’t always so black and white. 

How do we know when…

• It’s time to do the hard thing and when to postpone the hard part for later?
• It’s worth it to lean in, how do we do it?

Two Big Reasons You’re Avoiding The Hard Things

1. Capacity vs. Discomfort

Now, here’s the thing I really want to highlight…

Sometimes, our executive functions just don’t show up for us.

You know those days where you feel like no matter how much you push yourself, there’s just no gas in the tank? And that’s not about resistance; it’s about capacity.

In those moments, it’s important to honor that reality. There’s a difference between not having the capacity to take on the task right now and simply being unwilling to feel the discomfort of doing the hard thing. And knowing the difference? That’s key.

Sometimes, we genuinely don’t have the energy, focus, or resources we need.

Our executive functions—the part of the brain that helps us plan, prioritize, and follow through—aren’t firing on all cylinders. When that happens, it’s okay to give yourself permission to step back, recharge, and come back when you’re in a better place. That’s not avoidance—that’s honoring your capacity.

But other times, the resistance we feel is more about avoiding discomfort. It’s the toddler tantrum of “I don’t want to” energy that comes with doing something hard or unfamiliar.

In these cases, leaning into the discomfort and taking action is what moves us forward.

• How do we tell the difference between the two?
• How do we know if it’s genuinely a capacity issue or if we’re just avoiding the discomfort?

2. ‘Toddler Tantrum’ Mind

Here’s how I like to think about it. As I mentioned, that “I don’t wanna” feeling is our mind throwing a toddler tantrum.

You know exactly what I mean—the inner voice that stamps its little feet, crosses its arms, and declares, “No! I don’t want to, and you can’t make me!” It’s that part of us that resists not because we’re incapable but simply because we’re uncomfortable or it’s not immediately gratifying.

Just like a real toddler who doesn’t want to leave the playground, our minds can throw a fit when faced with tasks that require effort, focus, or take us out of our comfort zone. And just like with a toddler, we need to approach this resistance with a mix of compassion and firmness.

We Must Understand The Reason We Are Avoiding Something

First, it’s crucial to recognize whether we’re dealing with a genuine lack of capacity or just a toddler tantrum.

• Capacity Issues: Maybe we’re exhausted, burnt out, or our executive functions are offline. Perhaps we’ve been going non-stop and our brains and bodies are signaling that we need rest. In these cases, it’s important—essential even—to honor that need. Pushing through can lead to more harm than good.
• Toddler Tantrum: On the other hand, if we’re simply feeling the “I don’t wanna” vibes without any real depletion behind them, it’s likely more resistance to discomfort. This is when our inner toddler is in charge.

Honoring Your Capacity

If you’re truly tapped out, I’d offer that it’s necessary to rest and not push yourself through.

To help myself check in and know the difference, I love to ask myself:

• Am I physically or mentally exhausted?
• Have I been pushing myself too hard lately without a break?
• Is my inability to focus due to external stressors or lack of rest?
• What would I tell a best friend or client who is navigating the same situation? Would I encourage them to lean in or to step back and rest?

If you find that you’re genuinely depleted, the most productive thing you can do is rest and recharge your battery.

When it’s a toddler tantrum

What about when it’s the latter, and it’s a toddler tantrum? Maybe it doesn’t want to because it will be boring or feel unfamiliar or scary. Maybe we don’t want to put ourselves out there and face potential negative feedback, or we’re overwhelmed thinking about all the steps.

Whatever the reason – if we tap in and know that we have the capacity, but it’s instead resistance to doing the hard thing, how do we support ourselves here?

Identifying the Two ‘Hards’

Okay, so we’ve established that when it’s a toddler tantrum, it’s more about resisting the discomfort than lacking capacity. Now, let’s break down the two kinds of discomfort that we’re dealing with here.

Avoidance Coping with Short-Term Relief

When we decide, “I’m just not going to do it right now,” there’s that quick hit of relief. It’s like, “Ahh, I don’t have to think about it anymore.”

But here’s the thing: that relief is very temporary. What starts off feeling like a break from the task quickly spirals into dread, anxiety, and that gnawing sense that the task is still there, waiting.

The more we avoid, the more it compounds. It turns into rumination, where the task takes up way more mental space than it should, making the idea of doing it even more intimidating.

The Hard Feeling of Taking Action

This one is uncomfortable, too. It requires effort. You have to push yourself into motion, maybe tackle something you’re not feeling ready for, or face the possibility of failing or receiving negative feedback.

But here’s what’s different—when we take action, we’re moving toward a long-term payoff. As uncomfortable as it is in the moment, every step forward is one step closer to relief.

You get the satisfaction of progress.

You get to experience accomplishment, even if it’s just from taking the first tiny step.

And with that, you free up mental space to focus on other things.

Both options are tough. However, one leaves us spinning in circles, stuck in the mental loop of avoidance, while the other gets us closer to that sense of relief and freedom.

The Goal: Choose Your Type of Discomfort

Now, here’s where the power of choice comes in.

We get to choose which discomfort we’re willing to lean into.

Is it the temporary relief that eventually leads to long-term dread and mental clutter? Or is it the discomfort of action that, while tough upfront, results in freedom and accomplishment?

Think of it like this: Imagine you’re standing at a fork in the road. Both paths look rocky and uncomfortable, but one is a short climb that leads to a beautiful view and a sense of peace. The other? It might seem easy at first, but it’s a long, winding loop that keeps bringing you back to where you started, with no sense of progress or relief.

The Compounding Effect of Dread

We’ve talked about the most glaring considerations when it comes to choosing your discomfort—the discomfort of doing the thing versus the discomfort of staying stuck.

But there’s something else we need to consider here…

Every time we put off the task, we’re not just avoiding it—we’re actually adding to the discomfort. And the more we put it off, the more that dread compounds and makes the task feel even more challenging.

Here’s the thing: the task itself doesn’t change. If it was sending an email, finishing a report, or tidying up your space, it remains the same task.

However, what does change is our mental and emotional load around it.

Each time we delay, the low-level discomfort of not doing the thing grows into something bigger. It turns into dread, and that dread starts to take up more mental real estate.

Suddenly, we’re not just thinking about the task—we’re thinking about how we should have already done it, how it’s been hanging over our heads, and how much we’re dreading tackling it now.

What started as a little bit of discomfort turns into this overwhelming sense that the task is now much harder than it was when we first thought about it.

Avoidance Examples

Putting Off Responding to an Email

Initially, it feels like a small weight on your shoulders. “I’ll get to it later,” you think. But later comes and goes, and now it’s been a couple of days. Each time you see that unread message in your inbox, it feels heavier.

Now it’s not just about replying to the email—it’s also about the guilt of not replying sooner, the worry about how your delay might be perceived, and the growing anxiety of having to face it.

What started as a five-minute task has ballooned into something that feels stressful and much more time-consuming than it really is.

A Project You’ve Been Avoiding

At first, it’s just a nagging thought: “I should get started on that”. But as days go by, the project starts to loom larger in your mind.

It becomes more daunting, not because the project has actually changed, but because the dread surrounding it has grown. We start to ruminate, thinking about all the steps we need to take, how far behind we feel, and how much we should have done by now.

The task feels heavier and harder to face simply because we’ve been avoiding it.

Take Action To Prevent Task Avoidance

Taking action, even a small step, is so powerful. By getting started sooner rather than later, you stop the dread from snowballing and making the task feel insurmountable.

It’s like pulling a thread—you might not fix everything in one go, but you stop it from unraveling even further. You stop the buildup of dread before it gets out of control.

Here’s the best part: when you take that first step, you often realize the task often isn’t as bad or overwhelming as you initially anticipated.

What’s more, you start to gain momentum. Because even if you only do a small part of the task, you’re moving forward, and that forward motion breaks the cycle of avoidance.

Recap and Action Steps

Let’s recap what we’ve covered today.

We talked about the two kinds of discomfort. The Discomfort of…

1. Doing the task
2. Staying stuck

We also explored:

• How to recognize when we’re dealing with a genuine lack of capacity versus when it’s our inner toddler throwing a tantrum to avoid discomfort
• The compounding effect of dread and how avoiding the task only makes it grow larger in our minds, turning something small into something overwhelming

Action Step for this Week:

Start noticing where your resistance shows up most often – when you’re avoidance coping. Grab your notebook and answer these questions…

• Is it at work when you’re faced with big projects or small daily tasks?
• Is it at home when you need to do things like laundry or meal prep?
• Or maybe it’s related to personal goals, like exercising, journaling, or scheduling that long-overdue appointment.

As you notice these areas of resistance, ask yourself:

• Is this about capacity—am I truly exhausted or overwhelmed and need rest?
• Or is it more about resistance—am I avoiding discomfort because the task feels boring, scary, or unfamiliar?

This week, just observe. You don’t need to take action on everything right away. Simply bring awareness to these patterns.

Next week, we’re going to dive deeper into this topic in part two. We’ll explore specific questions you can ask yourself to create greater clarity and help you move out of resistance and into action. So if you’ve been feeling stuck or avoiding those hard things, we’re going to get into the details of how to break through.

Alright my friends, that’s going to do it for us this week.

👉 Want to take this work further? If you want support in both coaching your brain through leaning into the discomfort as well as actionable strategies, frameworks, and supports we can put in place to smooth out some of the friction taking action and following through, let’s talk. Learn more about how we can work together with my small group coaching program, “We’re Busy Being Awesome,” and one-on-one coaching.

If you’d like to learn about either option, sign up for a time to chat together on Zoom. We’ll talk about where you’re at, any obstacles you’re facing, and the goals you want to reach, and then we’ll create a roadmap to make that happen. From there, we can decide whether coaching is a great fit to support you in that journey.

⭐ Also, if you want to learn my simple step-by-step approach to locking in a routine and making it stick, be sure to check out my free course, the ADHD Routine Revamp training to help you…It’s designed to help you lock in a routine and make it stick.

Links From The Podcast

• Learn more about both 1:1 and small group coaching with Paula here 
• Get the top 10 tips to work with your ADHD brain (free ebook!)
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources here
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System here
• Get the Podcast Roadmap here
• Get the ADHD Routine Revamp here

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