3 Lessons Learned With An ADHD Diagnosis

Do you have ADHD or ADHD tendencies? Then you’re in the right place. Today I’m sharing with you three key lessons to help you better understand yourself while navigating the nuanced complexity of an ADHD brain.

These are critical lessons that every person with an ADHD brain deserves to know.

And I invite you to listen to each one above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.   

Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for the entire podcast transcript. 

In Episode #197: 3 Lessons Learned With An ADHD Diagnosis, You’ll Discover

• 3 key lessons every person with ADHD deserve to know
• How these lessons apply to your life
• What you can do with this information as you move forward

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1. Go to Apple Podcasts
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5. Bonus points if you’re willing to leave a few sentences sharing what you enjoy about the podcast or a key takeaway from the episode you just heard. Thanks, friend!

Before we dive into today’s topic, I want to give a shout-out to one of you busy-awesome listeners who left a 5-star review for the podcast, which means the world to me. I know it takes time and extra executive functioning to leave these reviews, and I genuinely appreciate it.

So this week’s shout-out goes to Heidi Unfiltered. She wrote a 5-star review and highlighted episode 191 specifically, which was all about spring cleaning your home. She writes…

“Paula has the most amazing way of taking otherwise complex topics and turning them into usable, bite sized pieces of information. There are a lot of guides on spring cleaning, organizing, decluttering that are out there, and although she’s not a declutter expert by trade, this episode and her approach are one of the best that I’ve seen out there. Listening to Paula is a delight. She keeps it simple. She has a calming demeanor and extremely insightful way of presenting information whether you have ADHD or not.”

Heidi Unfiltered – you, my dear, are a rock star. Thank you for making the time to write this review. I truly appreciate you. 

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In addition to subscribing and listening, leaving a review is one of the best ways to let the podcast algorithms know that you’re enjoying the podcast and finding it helpful, which sends the message for them to share the podcast with more people. Plus, when you write your review and what you like about the show, you help people who are considering whether or not to listen, and whether this is a podcast for them.

So if you haven’t yet, and you are enjoying this podcast, would you mind heading to your podcast player – either Apple podcasts or Spotify – and leaving a review? In fact, if you open up today’s show notes, you’ll see a step-by-step guide on how to do that in Apple podcasts.

This is a no-cost way to support the podcast, and I really appreciate your time. Thank you.

Episode #197: 3 Lessons Learned With An ADHD Diagnosis (Transcript) 

You’re listening to the I’m busy being awesome podcast with Paula Engebretson episode #197.

What is happening? I’m not going to lie, it is getting to be crunch time around here. This episode comes out on May 1st of 2023, which means that we are closing on our house, and I need to be fully packed and moved out by May 12th. That is less than two weeks! It’s happening. This move is finally happening. Watch out, Minnesota. Here we come!

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the journey that so many of us take toward understanding and eventually, acceptance of our ADHD when we have a later diagnosis.

In fact, if you’re on my email list, you even got an email with some of these reflections probably 6-7 weeks ago now. And it’s still on my mind. It keeps looping. I think it keeps looping because this journey is a really important one, and I don’t think it gets the attention and awareness it deserves.

Instead, we’re just told we have ADHD, we might be given some meds, and then we’re expected to magically adapt and “fine”. And that’s just not how it works. I’m sorry, but it’s just not reality. 

As I wrote in that email I sent out, this journey toward understanding and acceptance is an unpredictable one. It has its ups and downs. And it’s different for each person.

With that being said, I’ve had the honor of working with hundreds of incredible ADHD brains over the years, and I’ve found that there are also a few things that remain pretty consistent across most experiences – not all, but most.

These things may happen in different amounts, or at different times in the journey, but you can count on them unfolding at some point. 

3 Lessons Learned With ADHD

So what are these things?

Throughout the journey of understanding and accepting your ADHD and eventually learning how to work with your brain, you’re bound to experience both challenges and triumphs.

There are times when…

• Things seem crushing, and times when everything seems to fall into place and things just make sense.
• Moments of sadness, anger, and grief. And also, there are often waves of understanding, relief, and validation. 

Again, chances are, wherever you are on your journey with ADHD – whether you’re newly diagnosed, you’ve known for years, or you listen to the podcast simply because the strategies work for your brain but have never looked into a diagnosis – wherever you are, you’ve experienced the ups and downs of an ADHD brain. I know I have.

As I’ve been reflecting on my personal experience, three key takeaways kept rising to the surface every time I thought about this journey.

As I thought about takeaways, I realized that they were really three key messages that I’d tell my younger self. Three lessons that I’d want the younger version of Paula to know. 

I want to clarify something here before going any further

Sometimes, when we think about information or lessons we’d tell our younger selves, it comes from a place of regret or resistance, or frustration.

Maybe the inner critic even comes out thinking some version of, “you should have known this already – why didn’t know you know this?!” And I want to clarify that this is not the energy I’m coming from. It’s not lessons from a place of regret.

I’m not wishing I would have known this information sooner or shame myself that I “should have known.” Because – to be perfectly honest – I don’t know that I’d have been ready to hear or accept these messages then. I need to go through it exactly as I did.

Rather, I want to share these messages with this younger version of myself now to help her further heal on this journey. To help her better understand herself and remove some of that unnecessary friction that prevents her growth today. 

I realize this probably sounds incredibly strange since I’m talking about a past version of myself as if she’s a totally separate person that I see on a regular basis.

Rest assured, that is not the case. But I do think it can be a powerful experience to step into watcher mode and essentially observe these younger versions of myself, all of whom still live within me, and check in on what they might need.

Again, if this sounds especially strange, stick with me. I think once we get into the three lessons, it will make a bit more sense.

I also hope that as I share these three lessons with you today, they also provide support for you wherever you’re on your journey today.

So while this isn’t 5 steps to learning XYZ or 3 ways to simplify ABC, I do hope that these three lessons resonate with you.

I hope that they help lighten the emotional load you might be carrying, provide you with a little more space to take a deep breath, and realize that you’re doing a pretty awesome job being a human, which is not an easy thing to do.

So let’s dive into these three lessons, shall we?

1. The World Wasn’t Built For An ADHD Brain

The first thing I’d tell my younger self is this: the world wasn’t built for an ADHD brain. It just wasn’t.

The world was built for neurotypical brains – those who do not have ADHD or neurodivergent brains – who see things in a rather linear way. And again, I hope that you, as the listener, hear this, too. It’s an important one to remember.

Just because the world wasn’t built for ADHD brains, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your brain.

Hear me. You’re not broken. You don’t need fixing. Nothing has gone wrong. All this means is that the world hasn’t yet caught up with how to support the ADHD brain. There isn’t enough awareness yet. The knowledge hasn’t spread enough yet. 

I remember feeling so broken during my life in Academia. I know I reference this time a lot, but this was really the most crushing for me. 

There was so much shame that I just couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t read fast enough – heck I couldn’t stay awake when reading no matter how much sleep I got. I couldn’t remember facts off the top of my head like I thought my colleagues could. I couldn’t process my ideas quick enough. I just felt broken.

Now that I look back, I see the truth.

I can see that I’m not broken now, nor was I broken then. Instead, I was in a space that was not built for an ADHD brain.

The methods of instruction during grad school and the general lack of clarity and support on the tenure track unless I specifically and consistently sought it out – which, hello rejection sensitivity – were really lacking.

I wasn’t broken. The methods for instruction and assessment as a grad student and the unrealistic and ever-changing demands placed on assistant professors – which is a rant for another podcast altogether – were the problem. They weren’t designed with an ADHD brain in mind. 

Now I’ll be the first to admit that we might feel frustrated thinking about that lack of general awareness and support for ADHD. So if you’re feeling that way, I get it; I encourage you to honor it. 

I also know that as people with ADHD we have a willingness to:

• Step into more of who we are rather than trying to hide and fit in
• Learn more about our brains by reading books and watching trainings and listening to podcasts like this
• Create and/or ask for the supports you need and deserve

The more we’re willing to do that – the more likely we are to get it AND the more likely we are to inspire others to do the same.

And when other ADHD brains start realizing there’s nothing wrong with them, and they begin learning about what works best for their brains, the faster awareness spreads. The faster the rest of the world can catch up and gain a greater understanding of neurodivergence more generally.

What you bring to the table is remarkable. Don’t change it. Please remember that you don’t have to force yourself into a neurotypical box in hopes of hiding who you are, because there is nothing to hide.

And if you’re listening to this and feeling super resistant – I encourage you to start exploring your strengths, keep learning more about you and your brain, and begin putting the scaffolding and supports in place that you need as you work with your brain to create the life you want. Because you deserve it.

2. You Haven’t Done Anything Wrong

The second thing I’d tell myself, and I’m also sharing with love as a reminder to you today, is: you haven’t done anything wrong. This isn’t your fault. You don’t need to try harder.

I think one of the most damaging myths about ADHD is that it’s a lack of willpower or a character flaw. That we’re lazy or just need to put in a little more effort.

I couldn’t begin to tell you how many ADHDers have shared with me those painful stories of being told…

“They have so much potential if they only applied themselves.”

“They’re so smart; they just don’t seem to care.”

“If they really cared, they’d do it.”

Ugh, I get heated just thinking about this, because I know it couldn’t be further from the truth. We can do so much. We try so hard.

And we keep trying harder.

Remember, ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder

It affects how our brains process information, regulate emotions, and manage tasks.

What does this mean? It means that ADHD is not a choice, and no amount of “trying harder” when we’re constantly trying harder using a neurotypical approach or expectations will fix it.

So many of us have been told we “just need to try harder.” Or maybe it’s something we tell ourselves; that was often the case for me.

• I just need to work a little more.
• I just need to push a litter further.
• I’m just such a slow reader or writer; if I only worked a little harder, that would fix it. That would fix me.
• If I just wasn’t SO MUCH.
• If I just tried a little harder to blend in and be flexible, and not voice my needs or preferences, that would fix me.
• I just need to try a little harder.

However, this story that we just need to try harder couldn’t be farther from the truth.

So I’m going to say it again one more time for the people in the back.

ADHD is not a choice, and no amount of “trying harder” will fix it.

It’s not that you’re simply lazy and need to do more or care more. You’re navigating a neurodevelopmental disorder that presents very real obstacles.

I share this not to discourage you, but rather to inform you. And also to remind you that even though we face these obstacles, you’re not broken. Back to lesson number one – the world just isn’t yet designed for our brains. 

Until we get to that day when people have a strong awareness of ADHD and supports are commonplace, we can also find and implement effective tools specifically designed for YOUR ADHD brain to support the work you want to do in the world. We can learn how to personalize these strategies to work best for your unique brain and your current season of life.

3. You Deserve To Get The Support You Need

This brings me to the third thing I would tell myself and am sharing with you today, which is: you deserve to get the support you need.

Chances are that in the past – and maybe the not-too-distant-past – you’ve been told some version of one of these stories.

You’re too sensitive.

You take things too seriously – you’re too intense.

You are so inflexible. Or on the flipside, you’re so unpredictable.

You’re a flake. You’re a nice person, but you really need to get your act together.

You’re unreliable – I can’t count on you. It’s like you don’t even care.

The truth is, if you’ve been hearing this kind of criticism for years, it makes sense if you often find yourself feeling shame.

If you’re often thinking to yourself that you’re doing it all “wrong” or you’re not getting “enough” done and that you don’t deserve support since you’re not trying hard enough.

These critical statements have likely been the soundtracks accompanying much of your life, especially since they were probably provided by people in authority or whom you admire and respect.

You may have heard it from teachers, parents, bosses, managers, colleagues, friends. Maybe all of the above. It’s hard to shake those stories when they’re all you’ve heard for years.

And when we hear these stories, we also believe that we shouldn’t need to get support. Or we don’t deserve it because we haven’t tried hard enough. We should just be able to figure it out ourselves.

Sound familiar?

If so, the third thing I really hope you hear today is this. The ADHD symptoms you navigate on a daily basis are so hard.

Your ADHD is not your fault. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

You don’t have to stay stuck in the spin cycle of overwhelm and defeat, unable to find a way out. There are so many of us ADHD brains out there working through this messy middle too, and you don’t have to go it alone.

You deserve an opportunity to learn how to work with your ADHD in a judgment-free and encouraging space. You deserve to be seen, understood, and supported. You deserve to thrive while working with your brain.

Next Step: Seek Out Support

I encourage you to seek out that support in whatever way is best for you and your current season of life.

• Keep listening to podcasts like this.
• Check out some books on ADHD – I’ll link to some of my favorites in the show notes.
• Attend free trainings – I have an awesome 3-day event with both teaching AND live coaching coming up at the end of May – get your name on that list so you can join us!
• Talk with your doctor or a trauma-informed therapist. If you’re seeking a diagnosis, ask if your doctor or therapist has a suggestion for someone who specializes in ADHD for adults.
• Work with an ADHD coach either privately or in a group.
• Connect with the ADHD community online.

There is no right or wrong way to get support and there’s no proper “amount” of support that everyone needs.

Rather, the important thing is to find the support that works best for you. Because when you get support, it can play such a powerful role in helping you not only feel less alone and more understood, but also help you learn the skills and strategies that make managing your symptoms more doable.

You’re no longer rock climbing in flip-flops without a rope or harness. Instead, you have the proper gear and technique to support the climb. And you have someone climbing with you – leading the way and letting you know how to navigate the lose rock or the tricky hand holds.

You don’t have to go it alone. You shouldn’t have to figure it out yourself. You deserve support. 

Join Us For Our FREE 3-Day Training Event!

If you’re looking for three powerful days of support where you’ll not only get practical tools and strategies, but also live coaching with me – meaning, I’ll coach some volunteers and you’ll get to see how coaching works in real time –  I’d love to have you join us in our three-day event at the end of the month. 

We’re deep diving into the topic of overwhelm and, more specifically, how to calm your overwhelm and create clarity so you can move forward and get things done.

I am really excited about this event, and I can’t wait to see everyone there. You can sign up HERE and I’ll send all the details your way. Three days, friends. It’s going to be epic. 

Let’s Recap

As a quick recap. The three things I’d tell my younger self and I also offer to you are this.

1. It’s not you. The world wasn’t built for an ADHD brain.
2. You’re not broken, and you don’t need to try harder. You’re doing it right.
3. You deserve to get the support your brain needs so you can understand and work with your ADHD while doing what genuinely lights you up each day.

If you know someone who would really benefit from hearing these three lessons that I shared with you today, would you be a rockstar and share it with them? Because they deserve to hear it, too. 

Until next time, keep being awesome. I’ll talk with you soon.