When Habits Fall Apart: How to Rebuild Them Stronger with ADHD

You want to get more sleep and decide a new evening routine might help you get to bed earlier. You make the plan for an 11:00 pm bedtime. And for a few days, it works!

And then…something happens. A really good show. A work deadline. A puzzle you can’t stop working on. Whatever the reason, you’ve blown through that new routine, and it’s 1:30 am again.

When ADHD habits fall apart like this, most of us reach the same conclusion pretty fast: Well, that didn’t work. I’ll never stick to habits.

Today we’re borrowing a folktale you likely already know to look at what’s actually happening in those moments, and at what comes next.

The three little pigs turns out to be a surprisingly good map for how habits, skills, and big decisions get built, and why the wobbly early versions are a required part of the process rather than evidence that something’s wrong with you.

Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app. Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for a summary of key takeaways.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrgJt320Ku8&feature=youtu.be

In Episode 379, we’re exploring:

• The three stages every habit, skill, and decision moves through, and why we need all three
• How to reflect on a habit that collapsed so the next version comes back sturdier
• A check-in you can use anytime to locate yourself in the process without judgment

Why a Habit Falling Apart Can Be Part of the Process

The inspiration for this came on a call with my own coach, where I was talking about an experience I was having with working toward a new skill. I described this meta experience of three different stages of developing a skill. The first is thinking about doing the thing. The second is trying to do the thing. The third is doing the thing.

In productivity culture generally, we tend to villainize those first two stages, or make them quote unquote wrong. Think about the times you’ve heard someone say, “well, thinking about it isn’t doing it,” or “don’t try, do.” I don’t buy that, actually. I think all three of these stages are not only needed, but actually required. We need them in a critical way as we develop the routine or the habit or the goal.

As I was talking with my coach, I was trying to describe this felt sense I get when I shift from thinking about or trying out into actually doing, committing, going all in no matter what. I can feel this shift in my body, and I was trying to find words for it. It was very difficult for me. And then all of a sudden this analogy popped into my mind, and I said, “stay with me for a minute. Do you know the story of the three little pigs?”

My coach replies, “yes?” Question mark.

I said, “okay.” So it’s essentially like that. That sense of making the decision and going all in on it, or establishing the habit and committing to it no matter what. It’s just like the story of the three little pigs.

The Straw, Sticks, and Bricks Framework for ADHD Habits

If you haven’t heard this folktale in a little while, that makes sense. Here’s how it goes.

There are these three little pigs, and they leave home and go off on their own, and they need to build houses. The first comes upon a farmer selling straw, buys some straw, and builds a house of straw. The second finds someone with sticks, buys sticks, and builds a house of sticks. The third finds a brick seller, buys bricks, and works hard building a really strong house.

Then the wolf comes.

The wolf goes first to the pig in the house of straw and says, “little pig, little pig, won’t you let me come in?” And the pig says, “not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.” And the wolf huffs and puffs and blows the house in. You gotta love a good rhyme.

So that pig runs to the brother in the house of sticks. The wolf arrives, same exchange, and he has to huff and puff a little harder this time, but that house collapses too.

Both pigs run to the house of bricks. The wolf comes along, same exchange, and he huffs and puffs and huffs and puffs, and that house does not budge. It will not. Depending on which version you read, he tries to climb down the chimney and they build a fire and he can’t get in. They’re all safe, living their best life in the house of bricks.

I think this is basically the best analogy ever. I’m so grateful to whoever created this story so many, many, many years ago, because it’s a perfect reflection, at least for me, of how I develop habits, beliefs, and routines, go after goals, and make decisions. It moves through these three stages.

The framework gives us a way to use each version as material for the next when we’re building habits with ADHD.

Let me show you what I mean with a habit a lot of us are working on.

The Habit of Straw: Start With a Simple Plan

Let’s say you want to go to bed at a time that lets you get enough sleep. You set the objective, and you think it through: if I want to be asleep by 11, I need to head up at 10:30 so I can brush my teeth, put on my jammies, and get into bed.

Great. You’ve set the objective and made a bit of a plan. The first night, you stick to it. The big bad wolf doesn’t come along.

That simple first plan gives us a place to begin when we’re creating a routine with ADHD.

But then there’s another night, and there’s a really good show on, or you’ve fallen down a rabbit hole. And 10:30 goes by, 10:45 goes by, 11:00 goes by, and we’re back to 1:00, 1:30. That big bad wolf blew over the habit pretty quickly.

Many of us stop right here. That fell apart, the wolf ate that habit, I can’t do this. But we can’t stop at the habit of straw. We run to the habit of sticks.

The Habit of Sticks: Learn What Worked and Add Support

We get stronger materials by reflecting back on what worked, what didn’t, and what we can learn from building that first habit out of straw. This is one way of approaching habits as a practice, where each attempt gives us information for the next version.

• Keep what was already working. Maybe you notice you liked giving yourself buffer time. You didn’t just decide you had to be in bed at 11 and then head up at 11, forgetting you still had to brush your teeth. That part stays.
• Bring in reinforcement. Maybe you tell your partner this is something you’re working toward, so you have some support around it.
• Put limits on the thing that pulls you. Maybe you set screen limits so at 10:30 the apps turn off, or at least ask whether you’re sure you want to continue.
• Add a runway of alarms. A 10:15 alarm that says “hey, get ready for bed, we’re going up soon,” and a 10:30 alarm that says “really, we’re going to bed now.”

With those supports in place, maybe it holds for several days. You’re getting to bed around 11-ish, you’re sleeping more, you feel really good. Heck yes, this habit is working.

And then something happens. You go out to a show, so bedtime shifts. Or you’re entertaining houseguests and you’re up later because people are over and you’re having a good time. For a couple of days the usual habit moves. And once you’re back to the quote unquote normal routine, you can’t seem to fall back into it. We’re at 12:00, 12:30, 1:00, 1:30 again, and suddenly it’s so late and the mornings are rough.

Once again, many of us, myself included, tend to go, “ugh, it didn’t work, I can’t stick to this.” And again, we let the wolf eat the habit and we’re done. But that’s not how the three little pigs goes. We have one more house to build.

The Habit of Bricks: Build From What You’ve Learned

Same move as before. Reflect back. What was working with the habit of sticks? What wasn’t? What comes with us into the habit of bricks, and where do we want adjustments?

Maybe instead of the screen time app, you go get the Brick device, which is ironic given that we’re talking about building a habit of bricks. It’s a little magnet you put on your refrigerator or wherever, and you set the apps or features you want blocked. Until you bring your phone to that little device and tap it, those apps stay blocked.

I have this. It is phenomenal. Mine goes on at 9:30 and turns off the next morning at 7:15. I’ve set it up so my phone becomes a glorified MP3 player after 9:30. I can listen to podcasts and audiobooks, text, and make a phone call. That’s about it. My phone is much less appealing come 9:30.

One of my clients took a different route. She put password protection on her apps and gave the password to her kid, who set it. That takes a lot of trust, but that’s what she did. Now after 10:00, that password protected stuff goes up, and if she really needs it, she asks her kid for the password.

Maybe your version of a brick is one of those. Maybe it’s accountability. Maybe it’s mindset work, where you drop into why this sleep matters to you and coach your brain around the beliefs getting in the way, and the emotions you want to cultivate to move toward the bedtime you set.

With all of these pieces together, plus the learnings from your house of straw and your house of sticks, you now have a habit of bricks that’s solid. Even when you have a late night because you were out or had guests, the next time your regular routine comes around, you lock back in pretty quickly.

When Something Stops Working, Replace a Brick

Do we sometimes need to replace a brick, or lay down a little more cement because something got wobbly? Sure, of course, because we’re humans.

And when we’ve put in the reps and moved through the straw and the sticks and built the bricks, it’s so much easier to lay a bit more cement in the one spot that got shaky than to reinvent the wheel and rebuild the entire habit house from scratch. When our brain says we’re starting over with ADHD, this framework reminds us that we still have everything we learned from the earlier versions.

Using Straw, Sticks, and Bricks to Learn a New Skill

This works for skill acquisition too, and I’m navigating it right now as I work toward not using a teleprompter for this podcast.

I would say I’m still in the house of straw. If you’re watching on YouTube, you can see I’m very much relying on my notes here. I have them in front of me, and I keep looking down so I can remember where I’m at. And that’s okay. That’s the house of straw. That’s where I’m at right now.

Eventually, when I start building that house of sticks and learn from what’s working with the straw, maybe I find things that help me remember a bit better. Maybe I don’t have to look down quite as much, or I don’t need this much detail in my outline.

And then at my skill level of bricks, maybe I’m not feeling so much doubt that I’m making sense. Maybe I stop doubting myself while doing the episodes. Maybe I only need a handful of bullet points. Who knows. I’m not there yet.

Right now, in the house of straw, looking down more and needing more notes, I’m not making that mean this isn’t working. I’m making it mean I’m on my way, and I know I’ll eventually get to the sticks and finally the bricks.

I may also decide I don’t like this house at all, and go back to the house of bricks I’ve built over the last many years and 377 episodes, and just use my teleprompter. We’ll see. But I’m not giving up yet. I have all of Q4 to practice and build toward my skill level of bricks.

Using Straw, Sticks, and Bricks to Make a Big Decision

The third place this analogy fits really well is decision making, especially a bigger decision you’re turning over often.

Let’s say you’re thinking about looking for a new job or making a career shift.

• The decision of straw. The start is mostly thinking about it. When things are particularly rough or boring or frustrating at work, you think about it more. You’re not reaching out, not applying, not networking. You’re pondering it.
• The decision of sticks. As those thoughts develop and you get more concrete about what you might want, the search gets more specific. Maybe you update your resume, and you don’t post it or change anything on LinkedIn yet, you just update it in your Google Doc. Maybe you talk with a few close friends or colleagues, or someone who has made a similar shift.
• The decision of bricks. Eventually you’re all in. It’s solid. Your entire body knows. It’s a full body yes, we’re making this happen. Now you’re on LinkedIn actively reaching out, your resume is updated, you’re networking, you’re applying, maybe you’ve reached out to a recruiter. You’re going to keep going until you make the shift.

What to Do When an ADHD Habit Falls Apart

What I really want to drive home is that all three stages are necessary. Straw, sticks, bricks. We need all of them whenever we’re navigating any kind of change, whether that’s a new habit or routine, a decision we’re going all in on, or a big project or goal. And when we’re in those earlier stages, nothing has gone wrong. That’s part of figuring out what’s working, what isn’t, and what the stronger approach is for you and your brain in this season of life.

Treat the Setback as Information

If your house of straw blows over or your sticks are pretty shaky, that’s part of the process. Anytime that house tumbles, we can look at it and learn from it so we can build a stronger structure next time. This is where all or nothing thinking tends to show up, so it’s worth catching.

Identify Which Stage You’re In

If you’re trying to make a decision and you’re not quite certain how all in you are, or you’re working toward a habit or a goal, ask where you are in the process. Am I in the straw phase, the stick phase, the brick phase? If I’m making this decision, how much do I believe it? Am I at a belief level of straw, sticks, or bricks? No judgment for any of them, because they’re all needed. Use it to inform where you might go next.

Reflect Before You Rebuild

Anytime the house does collapse, and it will, because that’s part of the process, pause, take a breath, and check in. What worked well? What was challenging? Where did I feel really strong and sturdy, and how do I bring that into the next version of the house? Where did it feel weak, and how might I bring in sturdier supports there? Let that guide the next structure.

Common Questions About ADHD Habits Falling Apart

Why do ADHD habits fall apart after they were working?

A disruption or change in circumstances can reveal where the current version of a habit needs more support. A late night, houseguests, or a shift in the usual schedule gives us information about which parts were sturdy and which parts became vulnerable.

What should I do when an ADHD routine stops working?

Reflect on what worked, what became challenging, and where the structure felt strong or shaky. Keep the supports that helped, then experiment with additional reinforcement in the areas that became vulnerable.

Do I have to start an ADHD habit over from scratch?

You can replace the brick that became wobbly instead of rebuilding the entire house. The practice and information from the earlier versions still come with you, so you can reinforce the part that needs more support.

What is the Straw, Sticks, and Bricks framework for ADHD habits?

Straw is the first, simple version of the habit. Sticks is the next version, informed by what you learned from straw and strengthened with additional support. Bricks is the sturdier version built from all that accumulated learning and reinforcement.

Try the Straw, Sticks, and Bricks Check-In

I invite you to think about a goal, a habit, or a decision you’re making. Pick one area of your life that’s fresh and front and center right now, and ask yourself: where am I in this journey? Am I living in the house of straw, the house of sticks, or have I reached the house of bricks?

As always, no judgment allowed. Just an opportunity to learn what’s working, what’s not, and where you might bring in a little more support, some sturdier sticks or bricks, to make that structure even more solid.

And if you’re looking for more strategies to help you lock in routines and make them stick with your ADHD brain, check out my free course, the ADHD Routine Revamp.

Work With Me:

• Learn more about private coaching here
• Join We’re Busy Being Awesome (group coaching)
• Enroll in Overwhelm to Action – step by step course for ADHD Brains

Resources From This Episode:

• Free course: ADHD Routine Revamp
• Book a free consultation for private coaching
• The Brick Smartphone Access Blocker*

More ADHD Resources:

• Discover Your ADHD Overwhelm Type – Free Quiz!
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Podcast Roadmap
• Free course: ADHD Routine Revamp
• Learn my Top 10 Tips to Work With Your ADHD Brain
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources
• Access the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System

Paula’s Favorite Tools

• Stay focused with brain.fm and get a 30-day free trial. Personalized music, backed by science, designed to help you get and stay in the zone.
• Speechify: my go-to text-to-speech app. One-month free trial plus $60 off a premium subscription if you decide to keep it.
• Todoist: my favorite task manager. Simple, easy to use, and incredible integration with other platforms. Get two months of premium free. No credit card required.
• Wispr Flow: The best tool for talk-to-text. Awesome for verbal processing and saving time. Free trial, no credit card required.
• Magnetic Tile System: My favorite tactile, visual planning approach for ADHD brains.

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