Do you ever feel stuck in regret?
Maybe you re-live stories of the past, wishing you’d done things differently.
Your brain may think, “I shouldn’t have wasted so much time.” Or “If only I’d said yes to that opportunity.”
Or maybe you’re worried about making a “wrong decision” that you’ll regret in the future, and your brain spins indecision, thinking…
“I don’t know if I should go on the trip or not…I don’t want to regret it.” Or “I don’t know if I should quit my job; what if I regret leaving?”
If any of these scenarios sound familiar, I want to offer some incredibly empowering news.
Regret is optional.
Really, it’s true.
And if you’re feeling a little skeptical right now, don’t worry. I got you.
In episode 190 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast, we’re taking a deep dive into this very topic.
You’ll learn how to leave regret in the past and consciously embrace what the future brings as you discover the freedom to live life confidently on your terms.
No regrets.
You can listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app here.
Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for the entire podcast transcript.
In Episode #190 You’ll Discover
- Why we experience regret
- The two main ways regret presents itself
- How to release regret and move forward with confidence
Leave IBBA A Rating & Review!
If you enjoy the podcast, would you be a rockstar and leave a review? Doing so helps others find the show and spreads these tools to even more people.
- Go to Apple Podcasts
- Click on the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast
- Scroll down to the bottom of the page where you see the reviews.
- Simply tap five stars; that’s it!
- Bonus points if you’re willing to leave a few sentences sharing what you enjoy about the podcast or a key takeaway from the episode you just heard. Thanks, friend!
Episode #190: How to Deal With Regret with ADHD (Transcript)
Today we are talking about what may seem like a rather downer of a topic… which is regret, but rest assured, despite the topics sounding pretty heavy, I think it will be one that will leave you feeling quite a bit lighter.
We’re looking at regret, and more specifically, at regret through the lens of decision-making and moving forward.
Now, I was inspired to share this episode because, every once in a while, there seems to be a theme that comes up amongst a handful of clients. It might not be about the same situation, but several people will be navigating a similar experience.
A few months ago, a handful of my clients were navigating this emotion of regret about different experiences in their life.
Some felt regret about something that happened in the past, while others were worried they might feel regret in the future. And for the last few months, I’ve had this topic percolating in the back of my mind.
Regret Can Show Up in 2 Ways
I’ve been thinking about how regret tends to show up in one of these two ways. We tend to ruminate about…
- Past events – over what happened and how we wish it would have unfolded differently or we showed up differently.
- Future events – worrying that we might feel regret if we make a “wrong” decision or if we do or don’t do something.
This kind of fear of regret can really keep us stuck. We find ourselves stuck living in the past, telling these stories repeatedly. Or we find ourselves fretting about the future, and we’re almost frozen to make any decisions or take any action for fear that we might have to deal with this regret.
Regret and ADHD
I sometimes wonder if, as people with ADHD, we might navigate this experience of regret more often.
I don’t have any research to back this up… these are just my own observations.
Many of us deal with impulsivity, and we do struggle to pause and slow down and think about our decisions a little bit before acting on them.
I can see how we may have more opportunities for the brain to tell stories about what you should have done differently, or should have known ahead of time.
This can shape our fear of regret in the future.
Examples of Regret
But before we get into regret, why we navigate it, and how we might think about it differently, so it doesn’t hold us back, let’s look at a few examples of how regret might show up for you.
Sometimes I think it’s hard to recognize how emotions present themselves until we hear an example or a story to put things into context. It gives the brain a visual so it can recognize what’s going on and decide whether it sounds familiar or not.
So like I said, I see regret showing up in 2 primary ways: focused on the past and focused on the future.
If You Find Yourself Having Regret About The Past…
You may find yourself spinning in a past experience – wishing you wouldn’t have said what you did at a party, or wishing you would have answered those three questions at the job interview differently if you had only known XYZ about the company ahead of time.
Perhaps you find yourself regretting how you use your time during the day. You find that you went down the rabbit hole, and now you’re spinning in regret, wishing you would have stayed focused on your original plan rather than researching the best place to print custom mugs for your company.
On a larger scale, maybe you feel regret about a bigger life decision. Maybe you wish you wouldn’t have moved to a certain location, or you wish you wouldn’t have bought a certain car, or taken that job – or not taken that job.
These are all different iterations of regret coming up from living in stories of the past.
We wish we would have known more; we wish we would have done things differently; we wish we would have asked more questions, etc.
On the other side, we have a fear of regret. Similar to our other example, this can show up in many different situations. But the overarching curve is the uncertainty and fear of having to feel regret.
The Fear Of Regret – For Future Events
What if I…
- Make the wrong decision and I regret it?
- Quit my job and regret it?
- Move and I regret it?
- Don’t take the trip and I regret it?
- Order the new special on the menu and I regret not getting the thing I always order and love?
Big or small, this fear of regret can keep us stuck. It keeps us spinning. We’re so afraid of experiencing this emotion that we don’t take any action at all.
Does This Fear Of Regret Resonate With You?
I’m curious if this resonates with you. Do you notice any areas in your life where you may be navigating regret from the past or fear of regret in the future?
If so, make note of that.
- How long has it been taking up valuable space in your brain?
- How long have you been spending time in the spin cycle?
Remember, this is not a space to jump on the blame shame train, either.
We’re not here to beat ourselves up or get hard on ourselves, we’re just taking a look.
We’re building some awareness of where regret might be hiding.
- Where do you wish you would have done something differently?
- And where are you worried you might choose the wrong option and regret the decision?
Chances are, you have something in your mind. There’s probably one decision, big or small, that you’ve been thinking about but haven’t yet made out of fear that you might choose the wrong decision and regret it.
There’s possibly an event in your past that your brain loves to go back and reexamine through the regret lens every once in a while.
Now, this is important. Are you ready for it? If you’ve been multitasking, check in.
This is an important takeaway, and I want to ensure you hear it. Feeling regret doesn’t just happen to you. Regret cannot fall out of the sky into your body and simply happen.
The only way you can feel regret is by choosing a story that creates the feeling of regret in your body.
It’s true. I know you might be resisting this right now, but stick with me.
Regret is an Emotion
It is a feeling that we experience in our bodies.
It might feel like a squeezing in your chest or sinking in your stomach or tension in your shoulders.
Regret is an emotion that you feel in your body and that regret is caused by the story you choose to tell about the situation.
Regret is caused by the thoughts in your head releasing chemicals and hormones that create those vibrations that feel like regret in your body.
The only reason you regret how you spent your time is that you’re thinking to yourself…
- I wish I would have done that differently.
- I can’t believe I spent my time this way.
- I wish I would have just put down my phone and stopped scrolling TikTok so I could get started on my report.”
- I wish I would have just left the items in my online shopping cart and gotten back to my work rather than going down the research rabbit hole, looking at every single review for every single product.
You don’t feel regret because you scrolled TikTok instead of working on your report. You feel regret because you think you should have spent that time differently.
Regret appears because of the story you’re telling yourself.
How do I know?
Because somebody else could have spent the exact same time scrolling the exact same videos on TikTok, and they might have had an entirely different experience.
They might not feel regret at all. How is this possible? It’s possible because they’re telling themselves a different story.
You’re thinking to yourself… I wish I would have just put down my phone and worked on my report. Now I have no more time.
They’re thinking… I love how much I learned during this time. My mind is blown. This is going to inform what I write in my report. This was so worth it.
Again, you get to choose that story and I’m not saying you have to be rainbows and daisies and super cheerful about it. But you don’t have to feel regret.
Learn To Deal With Regret By Reframing Your Thought
Using the example of feeling regret about using the phone instead of working on a report, you could think to yourself…
- Now I know to put up some app blockers or to leave my phone in the other room when it’s time to do some work.
- I’ve learned how easy it is for my brain to get pulled into the allure of TikTok. This is great information.
- Now I can create better supports to help me use this app more intentionally outside of my work time. What can I learn from this? How can I move forward?
Do you see how much different that perspective feels than “I can’t believe I spent my time this way. I wish I would have just put down my phone and worked on my report. Now I have no more time.”
Another example…
You regret saying yes to a project.
You struggled to say no because let’s be honest learning to say no has quite the growth edge. However, also, you have way too much on your plate. There’s more work to be done than hours in the day.
Again, you could stay in regret. You could spin out thinking, “I wish I would have just said no. I wish I would have suggested someone else. I wish I wouldn’t have even picked up the phone- I never pick up a phone when I don’t know who it is. Why did I that time?”
At the same time, you don’t have to stay here.
You don’t have to stay in this regret. You can find what else is true in this story and tell that.
Again, I’m not saying that we should just skip the emotions altogether.
If your regret comes up, allow yourself space to feel it and process it, but we don’t have to stay here. We don’t have to spin in it.
Maybe you notice your brain tell the story, “I wish I would have said no.”
You allow that feeling of regret to move through you, but then you have your own back. You find a new story to tell…
“I didn’t say no, but what can I learn here?
How can I prepare myself so this doesn’t happen next time?
Who can I ask right now to help me lighten the load?
How can I use this as an opportunity to connect with others to get everything on this list completed?
Where else might I be able to practice saying no in this current season?”
By asking yourself some powerful questions and answering them, rather than staying in the spin cycle, you find so much more power to move you forward.
Regret In A bigger Situation
If it’s a bigger situation, and you regret taking a job or leaving a job, going through schooling for a certain career path, buying a house or selling a house, etcetera.
The same situation applies here.
- What is the story you’re telling?
- Is it useful? Is it helping you move in the direction in which you want to go?
I could easily tell a story of regret about all of my time in academia.
I could regret all the hours that I spent getting my Ph.D. and working as a professor, and writing my book.
could regret all of that time spent in academia during that chapter of my life, wishing I would have spent it my business coaching incredible humans. I could tell that story.
But that is absolutely not my story.
It doesn’t feel true to me at all. I genuinely believe that I needed each one of those experiences – I needed every one of those 13-14 years in my previous career to help inform who I am now and the work that I do. It was all necessary.
And I bet that if you’re navigating some regret in your life, wishing you would have shown up differently or done something differently, you could look for evidence to the contrary.
I bet that you could find how every choice, every hurdle, and every obstacle played a critical role in shaping and informing the next stages of your life.
So again, any time you’re feeling regret thinking about things you did or said in the past, and you don’t think this regret is serving you, I highly recommend checking in on the story you’re telling.
- Is it supportive?
- Do you want to stay here? If not, start questioning those beliefs.
- What’s another story you could tell?
Regret in the Future
Let’s talk about the worry of regret in the future. I hope you’re excited because I have the best news for you…
You literally don’t have to worry about this.
The only reason you would feel regret is if you decided to start telling a story that you wish you would have done it differently.
However, if you make a decision and you love all of your reasons for making that decision, you can confidently have your own back, knowing you loved your reasons.
You did the research, you’ve done your due diligence, and with all the information you have, you’re making a decision with confidence. You get to own that.
This means that if situations change in the future and you decide that you want to change your mind, you don’t need to feel regret about it. You can remind yourself, “I made the best decision I could with the information I had. Now I have new information, and I want to make a change.” And you can love all of that. You can have your own back the entire time.
Example of Preventing Future Regret
You’re worried you might feel regret about quitting your job and taking a new offer.
You look at all the information, you run your numbers, you talk with the handful of individuals you trust, you interview at the new position and like the team.
However, you find after working at the new job for six months then it’s not quite what you were expecting, you can choose how you tell that story – you don’t have to feel regret.
You can…
- Feel super proud of yourself for taking a risk.
- Be grateful for the new connections you’ve made and the new skill sets you’ve developed.
- Find incredible learning opportunities to discover what you like and what you don’t like about your particular career and use it to inform your next job search should you wish to go on one.
You don’t have to regret it, you can be proud of yourself for taking a chance and stepping outside of your comfort zone.
–
Similarly, you could feel regret ordering the new thing on the menu and absolutely hating it, wishing that you would have just stuck with your usual favorite.
Or you could feel proud of yourself for trying something new and stepping outside the usual. You’ve learned something new. You’ll now appreciate that tried and true menu item, even more, the next time.
There’s no need to feel regret.
Final Thoughts On Regret And ADHD
I invite you to remember this as you think about any moments in your life – past or future – where you feel twinges of regret or are worried about potential regret.
If you notice that you…
Frequently beat yourself up for past experiences, wishing you would have done things differently or dwell in the past keeping yourself stuck, it makes sense that you fear regret in the future.
If your current experience of regret is so terrible, of course, you’ll want to avoid it.
However, if getting stuck in regret is optional, and you have control over whether you stay in it or not, that’s huge.
Then you don’t have to worry about whether you’ll regret your decision or not. Because you get to decide. You get to have your own back, no matter what.
So, the next time regret manages to sneak in, you get to make a shift.
You get to use this emotion as an opportunity to discover what you truly want and what you don’t want. You get to learn from each experience to help inform and strengthen your next moves forward.
Alright, my friends, that’s going to do it for us this week. If you’re ready to take these concepts deeper and apply them to your life, plus learn how to support your ADHD in a way that works for YOU, then I invite you to check out today’s show notes or head to imbusybeingawesome.com/group to learn more about my small group coaching program, We’re Busy Being Awesome.
If you’d like to join us, you can add your name to the waitlist, so you’re the first to know when the next cohort begins.
Join Our Group Coaching Program – We’re Busy Being Awesome!
Add your name to the waitlist!
A four-month small, supportive group coaching program for adults with ADHD and ADHD tendencies.
To learn more check out We’re Busy Being Awesome. Are you ready?
Also, have you grabbed the podcast roadmap yet? It has the most popular episodes all detailed for you so you can get yourself up to speed and ready to work with your ADHD brain. Access now!
Until next time, keep being awesome. I’ll talk with you soon.
