Why Is Change So Hard? Especially With ADHD

It’s the end of January. Your alarm goes off at 6:00 AM… you know, the time you chose back on January 1st when everything felt possible.

You hit snooze.

And immediately, that sinking feeling hits your stomach.

Or that shiny new planner that gave you so much dopamine three weeks ago? You haven’t opened it in days. The gym membership? You went three times, felt great, and then… just stopped. The bedtime routine? We don’t talk about it.

And here is what your brain is likely whispering to you right now: ‘See? Here we go again. You can’t do this. You’re not cut out for habits and routines. Maybe you should just stop trying.’

If that is the narrative playing in your head this morning, please pause and hear me: Nothing has gone wrong.

In fact, that resistance you’re feeling? It might just be a sign that you’re doing this exactly right.

This is the conversation very few people in the personal development world want to have the messy, uncomfortable ‘goo phase’ of growth. But we are going to have it today. Because understanding why growth feels so bad is actually the key to making it stick.

Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app. Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for a summary of key takeaways.

In Episode 339 we’re exploring:

• Three key reasons change is hard for ADHD brains
• A simple, step by step approach to make lasting change
• Actionable tips to incorporate these tools into your life today

Episode 339: Why Is Change So Hard? The Truth Nobody Talks About

So here we are. Depending on when you’re listening to this, it is the tail end of January or very early February. And if you’re like a lot of folks right now, you might be in that place where the New Year energy has worn off. The routines you set up with so much excitement? They’re starting to feel hard. Maybe you’re questioning whether or not to keep going.

And I get it. This time of year is peak drop-off season for a reason.

That Motivation You Felt in January? Totally Normal to Lose It

At the beginning of January, there’s all this novelty. New goals. New habits. New routines. Your ADHD brain is lit up by all of it. There’s dopamine, there’s excitement, there’s possibility.

But by mid to late January? Early February? That shiny novelty starts to wear off. It’s not so shiny anymore. And suddenly, the thing you were so excited about feels like a slog.

So today, I want to offer this episode as a nudge of encouragement and a way to say “keep going.” But it’s going to come from a surprisingly unusual angle.

Because here’s what I want to talk about: growth and change feel bad.

If you’re feeling this resistance or you’re feeling the push-pull of whether you actually want to keep sticking with the new habit or routine or goal that you set, it makes sense. Nothing’s gone wrong.

In fact, it’s a sign that you’re doing it right. Because you’re leaning in and making things happen, and your brain is probably freaking out a little bit from that. Which makes sense.

You’re Not Failing You’re in the Middle of Growth

Because the reality is, growth is hard. Change is hard.

But the personal development industry really sells it differently.

The personal development industry does not inherently share the truth of how uncomfortable it feels to grow.

Instead, it’s all celebration of the butterfly after it’s shed the cocoon. Confetti falling from the sky. Everyone cheering each other on. “You’ve got this!” “Just believe!” “Manifest your dreams!”

And look, I love a good celebration. I do. it’s why I’m always talking about celebrating your wins. But here’s what they don’t tell you: the caterpillar has to literally dissolve into goo. It has to break down completely and reform into something entirely different.

That middle part? That goo phase? It’s messy and uncomfortable. Nobody wants to talk about it.

Actually, let me give you an even better analogy.

When you strength train, you’re creating micro-tears in your muscle fibers. That soreness you feel the next day? That ache? If done with proper form, that’s not a sign you injured yourself or did it wrong. That soreness IS the growth. The discomfort IS the transformation happening.

The muscle only gets stronger because it had to repair those tears.

So when you’re feeling resistance around your new habit. When it feels hard to stick with your routine. When your brain is telling you this shouldn’t be this difficult. That resistance?

That’s the micro-tear. That’s what growth actually feels like.

And because nobody talks about the discomfort, we interpret it wrong. We think: “This is supposed to feel amazing. Why does it feel terrible?”

We take the difficulty as a sign we’re doing it wrong and should stop. But it’s actually a sign we’re doing it RIGHT.

So let’s talk about what’s actually happening when you’re in that discomfort. Why does change feel so bad?

The Three Real Reasons Change Feels So Hard With ADHD

There are three core reasons why making lasting change is so uncomfortable. And when you understand them, they stop throwing you off.

Reason 1. You Have to Face What’s Underneath the Habit

When we want lasting change, we can’t just skip to the new version. We have to actually look at why we’re currently doing what we’re doing.

What comfort or familiarity is our current habit providing? When we’re scrolling or devouring the BBQ chips before bed or procrastiworking rather than working on the article draft…What are we avoiding by staying where we are?

This means looking at tough realities we’d rather ignore. Working through negative self-talk and chatter. Questioning beliefs we’ve held for years.

This uncomfortable work gets skipped over by most typical personal development advice. We’re sold the fact that we can just jump straight to the transformation. But you can’t just pile new habits on top of old patterns. You have to examine and challenge the old patterns first.

That examination? It’s uncomfortable. And it’s necessary.

Reason 2. You’re Saying Goodbye to a Past Identity

This one really hit me when I heard Mark Manson talk about it on his podcast Solved. He said that when you make a significant change, it’s actually like a death of a part of your identity, and that loss involves genuine grief.

Even small changes challenge our core identity.

“I’m someone who goes to bed early” versus “I’m a night owl.” That’s an identity shift.

“I’m someone who exercises” versus “I’m not a gym person.” Identity shift.

“I’m building a business” versus “I’m comfortable in my 9-5.” Identity shift.

Amidst this loss and grief might also be confusion, anger, resistance. You’re literally saying goodbye to a version of yourself. Even if that version wasn’t serving you, there’s still loss.

That’s intense. That’s uncomfortable. And it’s completely normal.

Reason 3. Your Brain Is Wired to Resist Uncertainty

Our brains evolved to conserve energy and stay safe. When we come along and start to change, it requires energy and introduces uncertainty. So your brain will fight you on it because it’s doing its job of keeping you safe.

Lori Gottlieb talks about this beautifully. Even positive changes like a new job, new city, or new routine create uncertainty. And humans hate uncertainty.

In fact, we often prefer the misery we know over the uncertainty of the unknown. That’s brain wiring.

And for ADHD brains specifically, this hits even harder. We have the novelty-seeking piece that gets us started. But when the dopamine drops and the novelty wears off, we’re left facing all this resistance.

And we think “See? I can’t stick with anything.”

But actually, you’re facing completely normal, biological resistance. You just didn’t know it was supposed to feel this way.

So okay, now you know why it feels so hard. What do we actually DO about it?

What to Do When You Hit the Resistance Wall

I know this all sounds kind of heavy. But here’s why I’m telling you this: Awareness is empowering.

When you know the resistance is coming, it doesn’t throw you off. You can prepare for it, support yourself through it, and keep going.

So here’s how we do that.

Step 1: Ask If This Is a Full-Body Yes

Before we go any further, we have to make sure this goal is actually yours. Is it an “intellectual should” or a genuine full-body yes?

An intellectual should is when you talk yourself into something with compelling reasons. “I should go to bed earlier because I read that successful people do.” “I should meal prep because it would be more efficient.” “I should start waking up at 5 AM because my colleague does.”

You can build a whole case for why it’s a good idea. But if your body doesn’t feel light or expansive about it, it’s not going to stick.

A full-body yes is different. When you think about it, your body literally feels lighter. There’s an opening, an expansion in your chest. Your whole being says “YES, this.” You genuinely want it because you do, period.

And here’s why this matters: Because change is hard enough already. If you’re trying to make a change you don’t actually want, you’re fighting yourself twice. Once against the change, and once against the fact that you don’t really want it. That’s exhausting and unsustainable.

So check in right now with whatever goal or habit you’re working on. Does it feel like a full-body yes? Or an intellectual should?

If it’s a should, give yourself permission to let it go or adjust it. If it’s a yes, let’s keep going.

And if you want to take this concept even deeper, I have a whole episode on the full-body yes versus the intellectual should.

Step 2: Anchor Into Your Compelling Why

You’re about to be goo in a cocoon. You’re about to feel those micro-tears in your muscles. The reason you’re doing this has to be STRONG enough to keep you going through that discomfort.

It’s deeply personal to you. It connects to something you truly value. It’s specific to your life, your situation, your desires.

Not “because I should” or “because it’s healthy.” But something like:

“I want to go to bed earlier so I have energy to be present with my kids in the morning.”

“I’m building this business because I want creative freedom and to work on my own terms.”

“I’m reducing my work hours so I can nourish other parts of my life that matter to me.”

Write it down. Seriously. Why are you willing to feel uncomfortable? Why are you willing to face the resistance? What makes this worth it to you?

Return to this answer every time it gets hard.

Step 3: Choose the Change Style That Works for You

Now here’s where it gets interesting. I’m going to give you two completely opposite approaches. One that’s incremental and one that’s all in. And depending on who you are and what your life looks like right now, one will work better than the other.

Two ADHD-Friendly Ways to Create Lasting Change

Which approach is right for you? Ask yourself two questions.

Question 1: Are you an abstainer or a moderator?

This is from Gretchen Rubin’s work.

Abstainers find it easier to give something up completely or go all-in. “I don’t eat sugar” is easier than “I’ll have one cookie.” Black and white feels clearer.

Moderators do better with gradual shifts and flexibility. “I’ll have one cookie” works better than total restriction. Gray area feels sustainable.

Question 2: What’s your capacity right now?

Are you in a demanding season? Big work project? Family stress? Health challenges? Managing multiple areas that need attention?

Or is this a relatively stable season? Other areas of life are on cruise control. You have bandwidth to focus.

Quick gut check: If you’re an abstainer in a stable season, consider the all-in approach. If you’re a moderator or in a chaotic season, go with the gradual approach. Trust your gut on this.

The Under-the-Radar Approach (For Chaotic Seasons)

Here’s how it works: Small steps, steady progress. You’re sneaking under the radar of your brain’s resistance.

Example: Moving bedtime earlier by 15 minutes at a time, instead of jumping from 2 AM to 11 PM overnight.

Your brain doesn’t freak out as much because the change is subtle. You’re not shocking your system. You still feel resistance, just in manageable doses. And over time, you look back and realize how far you’ve come.

This is how I reduced my work hours. I love my work. It’s my hyperfocus, my special interest. I want to work all the time. But I knew I needed to nourish other areas too.

So I started reducing my work hours 15-30 minutes at a time. From 8 PM to 7:45, then to 7:30, then to 7:15. Now I end in the 5-6 PM window most days.

If I’d tried to go straight to 5 PM, I would’ve failed every single day. But gradually? My brain adapted.

The All-In Method (When You Have Capacity)

Here’s how it works: Make ONE significant change, all at once. Go all in with total focus and a non-negotiable mindset.

Example: “I’m in bed by 10 PM every single night, no matter what.”

If you don’t stick to it one day, fine. You’re back at it the next day. It’s your non negotiable. The key is you keep showing up no matter what.

Why does this work when it works? The stark contrast from your old pattern is so clear, you can’t “forget” or let it slide. There’s no gray area to negotiate with yourself. “Did I do it or not?” is crystal clear. For some people, in some situations, that clarity is powerful.

Here’s the critical caveat: This can ONLY be your one focus. You cannot do this in multiple areas. If you’re struggling in another area or juggling a lot, this won’t work. It’s too much. This approach requires all your energy, all your capacity, all your mental bandwidth.

This approach worked really well for me when I first drastically changed my bedtime years ago. It had crept to midnight, 12:30, 12:45. I needed to make a drastic shift. So I went all in: In bed by 10 PM, no matter what.

I stopped worrying about any other areas I thought I wanted to work on, whether it was journaling, meditation, or anything else. Just bed by 10. Let the dog out at 9:30, upstairs, teeth brushed, lights out.

That stark contrast made it easier for me than the gradual approach.

And here’s another thing about the all-in approach: Put a container around it. 66-75 days. Research suggests around 66 days for a habit to become automatic. So commit to 70-75 days straight.

After that, reassess. Is it feeling more natural? Has the resistance decreased?

Do you want to extend the container? Are you feeling pretty solid? Do you want to make any changes? This is a chance assess and readjust if necessary.

Why This Discomfort Means You’re Doing It Right

Okay, I know this wasn’t the typical pep talk you might have expected. We talked about caterpillar goo, micro-tears, grief, and discomfort. This wasn’t the sunshine and rainbows version.

But here’s the thing: I shared this because the TRUTH is more empowering than false promises.

When you know that resistance is supposed to be there, it doesn’t derail you. When you know the discomfort means you’re growing, you keep going.

You are capable of this. You understand what’s actually happening now.

That soreness in your muscles? That’s growth.

That resistance from your brain? That’s normal.

That grief around your old identity? That means you’re transforming.

Key Takeaways:

So if you’re in that end of January/early February slump right now. If you’re questioning whether to keep going. Here’s what I invite you to do:

1. Check: Is this a full-body yes?
2. Remember: Why am I willing to feel this discomfort?
3. Choose: Gradual or all-in? Trust your gut.

And then? Keep going.

Future you is going to be so grateful you didn’t stop during the goo phase. The one who’s built that muscle, who’s become that butterfly, who’s stepped into that new identity.

The resistance you’re feeling is proof you’re doing the work. So keep going. You’ve got this.

Resources From This Episode:

Episode 172: Procrastination, ADHD, and The Intellectual Yes
Gretchen Rubin’s Abstainer vs Moderator Framework

More ADHD Resources:

• Discover my favorite ADHD resources
• Learn my Top 10 Tips to Work With Your ADHD Brain
• Access the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Podcast Roadmap
• Free course: ADHD Routine Revamp

Leave IBBA A Rating & Review!

If you enjoy the podcast, would you be a rockstar and leave a review? Doing so helps others find the show and spreads these tools to even more people.

1. Go to Apple Podcasts
2. Click on the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast
3. Scroll down to the bottom of the page, where you see the reviews.
4. Simply tap five stars; that’s it!
5. Bonus points if you’re willing to leave a few sentences sharing what you enjoy about the podcast or a key takeaway from the episode you just heard. Thanks, friend!