Don’t Know What You Need? Try “Helped, Hugged, or Heard”

Helped. Hugged. Heard. If your ADHD brain has ever felt overwhelmed, burned out, or completely disconnected from what you need, those three words might be your lifeline.

ADHD brains are notorious for losing touch with our needs, especially when we’re in go-go-go mode, when we’re emotionally flooded, or when we’ve been taking care of everyone else for so long that we forgot to check in with ourselves.

Maybe you’ve even had a moment where someone asked, “What do you need right now?”

And your honest answer was… “I don’t know.”

I hear that all the time from my clients. I’ve felt it myself, too.

What I’ve come to realize is this: It’s not that we don’t have needs — it’s that the question feels too big in the moment. Especially when executive function is down, when emotions are high, and when most of us have learned earlier in our lives that our needs or wants are inconvenient or too much.

In episode 305 of the I’m Busy Being Awesome podcast, I’m offering a powerful framework inspired by the work of Charles Duhigg in his book Supercommunicators, that is simple, gentle, and surprisingly powerful.

It cuts through the overwhelm and offers a clear, manageable way back to ourselves.

And the best part? You can use it when you’re spiraling. You can use it when you’re shut down. You can use it when you have no idea what to do next.

So take a breath, lean in, and let’s figure out what you need… together.

Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcasting app. Prefer to read? No problem! Keep scrolling for a summary of the key takeaways.

In Episode 305 You Will Discover:

• Why identifying what you need can be such an obstacle for ADHD brains.
• How to use the “Helped, Hugged, Heard” framework to quickly identify what you need with clarity.
• Simple strategies to help you reconnect with yourself and honor that need today.

Episode 305: Don’t Know What You Need? Try “Helped, Hugged, or Heard” (Transcript)

I think this will be especially impactful if you are someone who often feels disconnected from what you need in the moment, which is the lens we’re exploring today. And also, this message was originally designed for communicating in relationships with others. 

So again, I think there’s going to be a lot here for all of us.

ADHD & The Struggle to Identify Needs

Let’s talk about ADHD brains and are frequent struggle to identify our needs.

One of the things I hear over and over again — whether it’s on a consultation call or in my small group program, We’re Busy Being Awesome, in a 1:1 coaching session — is some version of this statement:

“I don’t know what I need.”

Sometimes it’s said with frustration. Sometimes it’s said with exhaustion, and sometimes there are tears and grief.

It can also be said with a kind of numbness, like they’ve gotten so used to pushing through that the question doesn’t even register anymore.

I’ve been there too.

There are days when I ask myself, “Okay, what do I need right now?” and my brain just… offers static, agitation, or it distracts me with another tab I could open or a snack I could get.

Here’s what’s really going on:

It’s not that we don’t have needs. It’s that we’ve disconnected from them.

First and foremost, our ADHD brains — especially when they’re dysregulated, especially when we’re deep in the emotional part of the brain and not accessing our executive function — are not wired to pause and reflect easily. We’re not wired to slow down, scan the body, and check in.

Additionally, many of us also struggle with interoception, which is literally our awareness of our internal body’s needs: hunger, thirst, pain, our emotions, and needs.

And then, let’s layer in the real-life experiences many of us have had.

Maybe you were the kid who was told directly or indirectly that your needs were too much. Or you learned early on to be the helper. Or the quiet one. Or the one who didn’t make a fuss. Maybe it wasn’t safe to have requests or preferences that were different from your social group or your family of origin.

When someone today asks, “What do you want? What do you need?” that question doesn’t just feel overwhelming — it might even feel a little dangerous. Or selfish. Or shameful. Or maybe just… unfamiliar.

On top of all of that — add the classic ADHD overwhelm:

• We’re in go-go-go mode
• We’re hyperfocused on putting out fires
• We’ve been managing everyone else’s needs
• We’re navigating sensory input, emotional swings, decision fatigue…
• Having to slow down and figure out what we need can just seem like too much.

While it sounds like a simple answer to a simple question “What do I need?” In reality, it might be more like a 10-paragraph essay we don’t have the energy to write.

What do we do instead?

We simplify the question by adding specifics. This is actually a different version of thinking and preferred level of structure. Some people are great at the open-ended what do you need? But some of us need a bit more structure a bit more direction in the question.

Rather than starting with that broad, open-ended, “What do I need?” We start with three words.

Helped. Hugged. Heard.

That’s it.

This question — “Do I want to be helped, hugged, or heard?” — becomes a gentle bridge back to yourself.

It gives your brain something to grab onto when everything else feels slippery. It gives you structure without pressure. It gives you a place to begin.

Honestly, that’s often all we need — a starting point. A thread to pull on. Something simple enough to answer, even when everything else feels hard.

Understanding Helped, Hugged, Heard

With this in mind, let’s take a look at each of these three options, specifically:

• What they mean
• How to recognize them
• What it might look like to meet that need in real life.

Notice if any of the three stand out as particularly useful for you right now. And when I say “right now,” that might mean literally right now in this moment, or that might mean today, or that might mean in this current season of life.

Helped

Sometimes what we need is support with a thing. A task. A problem. An action step.

Maybe your brain is frozen in decision fatigue. Maybe you can’t figure out how to start. Maybe the dishwasher has been clean for two days and the idea of unloading it feels monumental.

This is the “I need help moving forward” kind of need. It might be logistical. It might be practical. It might even be a little emotional, but it still has that forward energy behind it — like: I don’t need a pep talk right now, I need someone to help me do the thing.

One of my clients said recently:

“I just wish someone would sit with me while I start.”

And I was like — YES. That’s being helped. That’s body doubling. That’s someone lending you their executive function when yours is tired or offline.

I’ve shared on the podcast before that making appointments and phone calls are like death by paper cut for me. There are times when I’ve asked my husband, Ryan, to sit next to me as I made these appointments because otherwise I was not going to do them. I would keep kicking them down the road. Or, I would ask him to do it because he doesn’t mind using the phone. So this is one way to think about it. Maybe we need direct help from someone

But there’s an important nuance I want to highlight here, too:

Being helped doesn’t always mean someone else has to be involved.

Just as importantly — needing help doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

So often, with this helped category in particular, I hear the story of “I shouldn’t need help.”

• “I should be able to remember my top three priorities without writing them down.”
• “I should be able to keep track of time without using a timer.”
• “I should be able to transition without setting an alarm.”
• “I should just DO IT.”

That internal narrative — that shame-y should voice — is so common. But here’s the thing:

Using tools is not a failure. Needing support is not a problem.

Timers, checklists, writing things down, asking a friend to walk through your task list with you — that’s all help. That’s all valid.

Sometimes help looks like:

• Giving yourself a 10-minute timer to just start
• Letting yourself use a checklist or a pre-made workflow because your brain can’t generate the steps on its own today
• Opening up your own “library of supports” — like asking, “What’s worked for me before when I felt stuck like this?” and using that version of you to help your current self move forward

So yes, help can absolutely come from another person — but it can also come from within you.

It might be ordering groceries instead of trying to shop for them.

It might be opening a podcast or playlist for supportive parallel tasking, which I talk about in-depth in episode 199 of the podcast, while you fold laundry.

None of these are lesser forms of help. They’re all valid.

And if your first reaction to the word “helped” was something like “ugh, I shouldn’t need help,” or “I don’t want to bother anyone,” or “I should be able to do this myself”… that might be a sign that “help” is exactly what you need — and exactly what your brain deserves.

So I invite you to check in. When you ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” — does “helped” resonate?

And if so… what would help look like today?

Not in theory. Not in the perfect world. Just today. Just in this moment.

Hugged

Other times, we don’t need a solution, we don’t want a step-by-step plan, and we don’t want to figure anything out.

We just want to feel less alone. We want to feel safe, grounded, and held.

Maybe your nervous system is overloaded.

Perhaps you’re peopled out, or just plain exhausted. This is when “hugged” becomes the need — and it’s not always about a literal hug, though it can be. It’s about that feeling of emotional comfort. That sense of: I am okay. I am not in danger. I can soften here.

That’s important, especially for ADHD brains that often run on high alert.

We’re navigating the constant pings of sensory input, emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity… and it’s a lot.

Even joy can feel overstimulating sometimes.

So when you check in with yourself and the answer is “hugged,” here’s what that might look like.

Sometimes “hugged” is…

• Curling up with a weighted blanket or heated shoulder wrap
• Watching a comfort show you’ve seen a million times — something where nothing bad happens, and you already know how it ends
• Holding your pet. Letting them curl up in your lap or next to you
• Calling or texting a friend just to hear a familiar voice
• Having your partner wrap you in an actual hug and just stay there for a bit
• Sitting in your car in total silence because the world has been too loud all day

Additionally, sometimes “hugged” is less about people and more about places —

Your couch. Your bed. Your favorite coffee shop. A cozy hoodie and a warm drink.

And here’s the other nuance I want to name:

While I alluded to this before, I’m going to say it even more directly now: “hugged” also doesn’t always mean “I want to be with someone.”

It might actually mean I want to be alone — but I want to feel held while I’m alone.

Because of being “hugged” as nervous system support.

And while that can come from coregulating with other people… it can also come from you.

• You can be the one to say: “Let’s take a break and rest.”
• You can be the one to say: “Hey, sweet brain, we’ve done enough today. Let’s go sit on the deck for a bit.”
• You can wrap yourself in a blanket, put on your favorite playlist, and let the moment soften.

This kind of care is not “unproductive.” It’s not indulgent. It’s not weak.

It’s regulating. It’s what helps us reset. It’s what allows us to show up for the next thing without pushing ourselves to the point of shutdown.

So if “hugged” feels like the right answer today — trust it.

Whether that hug comes from a person, a pet, a playlist, or your own presence — it counts.

Take the hug.

Heard

Then there are the moments when you don’t need a fix or a hug.

You don’t want coaching, you don’t want advice, you just need to be heard. You want someone to hold space while you say what you need to say — even if it’s messy, unfiltered, repetitive, or doesn’t make perfect sense yet.

For so many of us with ADHD — especially those of us who are verbal processors — this is a lifeline. Because sometimes?

We don’t even know what we’re thinking or feeling until we say it out loud.

And I’ll tell you, this is something I’ve had to learn in my own relationship, too.

I’ve gotten to a place where I’ll say to my husband Ryan:

“Are you open to listening while I process through something? I’m not looking for any kind of solution or action — it would just be really helpful if you’re willing to listen as I talk through it.”

And honestly, learning how to make that kind of request has been so supportive — for both of us.

Because it sets the expectation clearly. It takes the pressure off the other person to fix something. And it gives me exactly what I need — space to process, not perform.

Because when we don’t have space to process, all of those swirling thoughts just stay stuck — and they usually get louder.

They spiral. They repeat. They build into bigger stories that often aren’t even true.

And as we know, that inner monologue? It’s exhausting.

So being heard is about airing it out.

Letting the steam escape before the pressure builds up too high.

Sometimes “heard” looks like:

• A voice memo to a friend that literally starts with, “You don’t need to respond to this. I just need to get it out.”
• A journal entry that begins, “I don’t even know what I want to say right now, but I need to try.”
• Talking out loud to yourself in the car or on a walk — maybe you use a voice recording app if you want to to capture the ideas and move your thoughts forward
• Saying to a loved one, “I don’t want solutions — I just need to talk this out. Can you be my sounding board for a minute?”
• Or that moment when you text your best friend, “I don’t need advice. I just need to scream into the void for 5 minutes,” and they text back: “Go for it.”

That counts. And again — just like with the other two — this doesn’t have to involve someone else.

Sometimes, being heard means you hear yourself.

You pull out a notebook and brain dump what’s rattling around inside.

You actually acknowledge what you’re feeling to yourself.

You open your voice notes app and just speak until the fog starts to lift.

The goal here isn’t clarity. It isn’t solutions.

It’s just release.

It’s “let me be with this feeling instead of shoving it down or pretending it’s not there.”

And if you’re someone who struggles with allowing big feelings, or you’ve learned to suppress them over time, this option might feel a little tender.

But that’s also where the healing happens — not in fixing it, but in hearing it. In letting it come up and out.

So when you check in and ask: “Do I want to be helped, hugged, or heard?” — and “heard” is the one that resonates?

Let yourself speak.

Let yourself be witnessed — by someone else, or by your own presence.

Because sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is simply listen to ourselves without judgment.

Using This Framework With Others

Before we wrap up, I also want to mention, this question isn’t just for us.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, the initial idea introduced by Charles Duhigg in his book Supercommunicators was originally intended for communication with others.

In other words, asking these three questions can be just as powerful when we use them with the people we care about.

If someone you love is upset — a partner, a friend, a kid — and you’re not sure how to help, you can offer them the same simple clarity:

“Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”

It’s such a gentle way to avoid the classic mismatch, like offering solutions when all they wanted was space to cry.

And again, it’s definitely been powerful in many of my relationships.

So while I love this framework in particular for us ADHD brains in order to connect with ourselves, it can also be a bridge to a deeper connection with the people around you, too.

Next Steps:

The next time you feel off, overwhelmed, or completely disconnected from what you need…

Pause for a moment. Take a breath. And ask yourself:

“Do I want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”

That’s your starting point. Once you know that, you can follow the thread.

Maybe it leads to a deeper need, a small action, or it just gives you enough of a pause to breathe.

👉 Want to take these concepts further and apply them to your life? Learn more about how we can work together with my small group coaching program, “We’re Busy Being Awesome,” and one-on-one coaching.

✨ Learn my simple step-by-step approach to locking in a routine and making it stick, be sure to check out my free course, the ADHD Routine Revamp.

I’ll talk with you soon.

Links From The Podcast

• Learn more about private coaching here
• Learn more about We’re Busy Being Awesome here
• Get the top 10 tips to work with your ADHD brain (free ebook!) here
• Discover my favorite ADHD resources here
• Get the I’m Busy Being Awesome Planning System here
• Get the Podcast Roadmap here
• Take my free course, ADHD Routine Revamp, here

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